Before you get offended; just know, I wasn't the special case either. You may be the special case; in fact, I really hope you are! For the remaining majority of us; please read on.
I did it! I made the biggest mistake in the world. This mistake comes with many layers and I'm going to fully explore all of them. Mostly? This is a sneak peek at times oldest delusion. If you've ever been "the other woman" (flexibility on "woman"), this one is for you!
Alright, relax. Don't get your panties so in a bunch. This is hypothetical. If you want it to be.
The other woman! Oh, how you shine. Stop beating yourself up, you know the rest of the world is already doing it. Actually, I'll have you all know, I did take this to Reddit to get an outside opinion and I was absolutely ripped to shreds. There is no wiggle room for the other woman. You're wrong, period - according to the internet.
No, you're not though. And I'll tell you why. This kind of love is actually real (spoiler - delusion). Despite all odds you found each other. You went against your better judgement to share your bursting emotions and you came out on top! For convenience purposes I will defer to the universal acronyms for our two main characters here (gender aside - I'm going with the obvious trope). We'll refer to anyone in the position of "the other woman" as OW and the affair partner who's married as MM for married man. Clearly, this is not my first rodeo. Now, you too know the acronyms involved in affairs; cheers! And, I'm sorry.
It truly doesn't matter how my story goes or who is involved or what even happened. Why? Because in the end, it's all the same. The universe whips up just enough boredom and curiosity in MM right around the time OW enters. Maybe it's about mid-life-crisis time or maybe MM is just a shitty person; cases vary. Either way, the elements are all there for mischief and it only takes one tiny curiosity to slip out to get the ball rolling.
"Do you believe in many soulmates? Or do you think your wife is the only one for you?" Yikes! And the rest was history.
He was a co-worker right? Maybe even your boss? I used to enjoy The Office a fair bit in my youth deciding that office romance was a fiction. Work is work and work sucks and who the fuck is feeling good enough to fall in love in this environment? Total fiction I had resigned. Damn did those producers get it right.
I don't care if it wasn't in an office, work was involved and you two were put together as a team. There was some sort of element to this that forced you to put your heads together and when you did? Ah, bliss.
Communication is easy, no real fear of anything because MM is spoken for, every little step toward the edge of "I think I'm falling in love" is extra thrilling because it's taboo! And we can all say that the taboo scares us or makes us uncomfortable but you're lying. It's fucking fun. If you're thinking I'm crazy for that then maybe I need to consider I am? But, universally I think, breaking the rules is always a thrill. It's why we love our teen years; rebel, rebel, rebel!
And inside the affair - emotional or otherwise - you really do feel like a teenager again. There are butterflies and giggles. You blush, he blushes. It's all very "hehe" and "hoohoo" for a while as you're navigating what the hell this is because it's definitely NOT an affair. Has anyone inside an affair ever admitted to it? No? Okay.
Enter phase 2: The Complete MindFuck
Personally, my hypothetical affair never bled into the physical. It remained emotional through and through. It was so not physical that I'm pretty sure MM subscribed to the belief he would in fact ignite if we touched. So, we did not. Gold star for us!
Everything is fast now because MM is testing you. I did not realize it at the time, but OW goes through a testing of sorts that rapidly speeds up production. You fall fast because MM sets the pace and he needs to figure out quickly if you're worth it.
You go through the rigamoroll (is that how you spell that?) of all the hard hitting questions just to find a reason to not like each other. That's the objective disguised as getting to know you. Really? He's searching for his relief. The "aha!" moment that allows him to continue with his boring yet comforting life completely undisturbed. You are exciting, but is MM a thrill seeker?
Sometimes the journey ends here because OW can't measure up to the impossible expectations set by MM. Does the reward outweigh the risk? This is where anyone who was having a momentary crisis of faith exits. The dependable ones. Or maybe just the ones so stuck in this cycle of living up to expectations that breaking the mold is life-threatening. Either way, here is where some of the little affair partners drop off. If this is you, fear not. You did the "right thing" and no damage was done. Just fantasizing and pretending. Not horrible, right?
Phase 3: Reality Check
La-dee-dah everything is pretty and bright and fun! Until it isn't. It was April. I think it was a Wednesday. Wednesday's are for change, I always say. Things shift on Wednesday. On an innocent Wednesday in early April I got my ass handed to me by the wife.
I won't go into detail about what was said because she really is a lovely-ish woman just seriously insecure. Which is shitty for me to say. As the other woman. But, it's true. And the way she tore into me came from those insecurities. She had found a message between us she had deemed "unprofessional." It was bad enough for me to get yelled at for an hour but not bad enough that I got fired.
After listening to her call me unstable and stupid for approximately 60 minutes, I took the rest of the day off and cried. I emailed MM and told him I was quitting just to find out, he knew about this!! He had freaking known that his current partner was on the war path and that that path led to my demise. Did I get a warning? Absolutely not. MM? I'll never forgive you for that.
So, yeah. I got the 10/10 5-star show of reality checks. For the majority of us, I hope yours came to you in meditation and you had your own realization that what you were doing was wrong and felt terrible. If you, like mua, got the dinner and show directly from the top? I feel for you, I really do.
Final Phase (yeah, right): Time to Decide!
Every MM in the history of all the MM's wants the same thing. They want it both ways! The cake and to eat it too. They want the stability of what they've been building for what seems like forever with the added flair of something exciting and casual. It's not about you and it's not about the wife; it's about them and their hunger for attention and affection. Which is normal! It's normal to want those things but it's a complex in the MM.
Which brings me to my point; you are not special. In the end? MM decides to stay because it's easier. Because he's lazy, because he has kids, because it's been so long! Sunk-cost fallacy anyone? Or...because he never, ever considered leaving in the first place. Why would he? You're letting him have it both ways! Yummy!
Whatever the reasoning, you lose. Every time. Because in the end? This wasn't about you or the chemistry you had together but the lack of whatever-the-heck in both of your lives. For me? I liked the passion. It felt fiery with him where it didn't with my other lovers. For him? Well, that's another post to make.
I, honest-to-all-that-is-holy, thought I was special. I still do! I still delude myself into believing he's coming for me. I don't know if that's because I really believe that or because I need to. Because if he comes for me then all of that won't have been for nothing. All the shame and guilt I feel will have been worth it. It was for a purpose! - I'd lament. We can't choose who we love. Because I do; love him. Madly and stupidly I still do. I'm an idiot!
MM never chooses OW. And we're told this all the time, right? I mean the married man never leaves. We're told all the time that MM is just selfish and greedy. So, why are they also so sweet and loving?
I did it, folks. I completely shot my shot with someone married and got burned; deservedly so. I wasn't special and you're probably not special either. But for us both, I'm rooting for you! Is that shitty to say?
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