Okay, just from reading the title I'm uncomfortable, haha! All of these topics are icky and not so fun to talk about, commit yourself, or otherwise be aware of. Spoiler: I approve of all of them.
Are we surprised? The lady who makes all the mistakes and is practically defaulted to rebel thinks lying is okay. I will clarify, I believe in white lies between adults. I don't believe in ever lying to children. I don't believe in being dishonest about facts, identities, or other pillar-like subjects and definitions. When it comes to you and your personal experiences? Personal anything really; just lie if you need to. I don't actually think anyone ever owes anyone anything ever, ever, ever.
If you have read my piece on children you'll know why I don't believe in white lies to children, but for time-saving sake I'll summarize. A white lie to a kid is much bigger than a white lie to an adult. All lies you tell children affect them like BIG lies. Simply because their world is smaller than yours. It's more dangerous to lie to children because of this effect. Because they are children, they will understand some things are off-limits; so say that! If they ask you something that is inappropriate - they will do this - tell them so, "Ask me again when you're older and I can be more honest. Otherwise, I'll have to lie a little bit and I don't want to do that." Simple. You can even try, "I don't know how to answer that right now. Give me a few years." And if you're simply just not the right person to deliver a response, just. say. so.
When it comes to white lies in the adult world, I think they're almost impertinent to keeping us healthy and setting proper boundaries. Some people just don't need to know the answers and they may not even want to! I once had a lover ask me about my PTSD; who does that, readers. I mean, if you know anything about PTSD you know something fucking terrible happened to be exhibiting symptoms. Do you really want to know what trauma I went through that gave me PTSD? I had mentioned it so they were aware of triggers so we could avoid them. Diving into the backstory was not on my agenda. So, I lied.
Omission also helps us set up boundaries. I, for one, have never told my extended family I'm polyamorous or bisexual. I omit that information about myself when around them. Am I being dishonest? If I truly thought it would evolve them in any way to know of my bisexuality or polyamory I might offer it up. I don't mind a shock. But I just don't believe that; I think it would be upsetting. So I keep it to myself. To save upsetting them and to; ultimately, save them from upsetting me in return. Intentionally or otherwise. Family is so good at that, aren't they? Hurting you, but unintentionally. I digress.
And these are quite gray areas, I think. You'll find people all over the spectrum about this, and at the end of the day? It comes down to specifics. Each case is unique and sometimes white lies are super not okay, but mostly; I'm here to tell you that in the adult world they're necessary. We've all got shit and we absolutely do not need to be swinging it around everywhere infecting everyone. Trauma dump on your therapist; it's what they're for.
If you find yourself inside one of these gray areas and you're just not comfortable with the honest truth? Fucking lie, do it! It's your life and you need to protect you first. Situations vary, but; ultimately, lying is a part of life and it helps protect us. I realize this may be unpopular, but I'm sticking to it.
Comments