I'll never forget the time my mom looked me dead in the eye and asked me what I now consider to be one of the most important questions regarding a relationship. The conversation went a little something like this:
"But I love him!"
"Have you ever seen him poop?"
"What?! No!"
"Then you don't know him."
At the time I thought this to be a ridiculous measure of getting to know someone. After some reflection, I realize this is the perfect measure of intimacy. There is a very special layer to intimacy that involves going #2 in front of each other, around each other, or within earshot. It's the within earshot thing that really does it. We've all been there. It's part of being human!
So, what is it about going #2 in front of a lover that creates intimacy? The big decision that follows, of course!
We've all got our own special brand of deuce we need to drop once we've reached a certain point in our journey as humans. Baggage! We've all got some! So, when is it appropriate to put on the big show and reveal what makes us human? It depends on one big influencing factor I think but if you're lost, just do it. Sooner is better than later with this.
The biggest factor you need to consider is the dynamic. Is this a casual lover? Are you looking to put a ring on it? ("it" being the finger, not the person). This totally matters! No one is entitled to your dark parts and you can hide them forever and ever if you so choose. Will you miss out on true intimacy? Yes, but that may not be your end game anyway. Consider your dynamic! Highlighting icky bits can move a relationship forward faster than sex. If you're not ready to take the next step, or if you're considering never taking this further? You're safe to stay in the "first impression zone" for as long as you wish.
I love the "first impression zone" it's why I talk to strangers all the time! Or; more so, why I don't mind when they come talk to me! I've been told I'm very magnetic. People ask me for directions or to sample their products at the mall all the time. I can't leave the house without some wandering soul finding their way to me. It's quite entertaining, I must say! My husband knows not to leave me alone in public for too long or I'll bring another boyfriend home. It's truly bizarre and anyone who knows me can vouch for this stranger-magnet thing I have going for me. Is it dangerous? So far, not so much!
So, you've decided you want to progress this relationship along and it's about high time you display your shadow self. You'll feel it; that itch to share your dark parts. It's quite thrilling and the outcome has a finality to it. They'll either accept you or they won't and you'll be able to tell the difference pretty immediately.
Some of our darkest parts aren't our faults but they do affect us in a way that becomes our responsibility. You don't have to label yourself necessarily, but explaining how you function due to past traumas is an ideal way to communicate how you accept and give love. People appreciate and respect vulnerability. It inspires them to let down their guard and be vulnerable too! Feeling like you're being heard and understood is such an intimate experience to have with someone. Feeling understood can make you feel like you're in love! If you've never properly felt understood before.
And this has happened to me. I can decipher between the true loves and the chronically misunderstood now. Prior to the very recent, people would certainly believe they were falling in love with me - and; I too, would believe them to my own detriment - simply because I know how to create a space of understanding and acceptance. I accept you without judgement; that doesn't mean you love me.
Maybe the last time you opened up and shared your most intimate parts left you abandoned and alone. Maybe this forced you into building walls and retreating into your own fallible mind. Stop that! Stop that right now! The rejection you faced saved you from further heartbreak down the line, be grateful! As the great Ariana Grande would say, "Thank you, Next!"
Furthermore, your dark parts are just as special as your light. This is what makes us unique, but also what brings us together. It's a paradox; as is life. Don't let some rejection force your truth into a box.
By now, you've shared your most intimate parts with your lover in the hope that they reciprocate this darkness or at the very least accept it. Of course, no one shares trauma in the hope that the listener has also been through said trauma; that would be slightly morbid. But the parts of us that are universally dark, we hope to find company within.
Now, to the big decision; to stay or to leave. If you're one of the lucky ones, you're feeling fully accepted right about now and your love has expanded exponentially! For the rest of us; the overwhelming majority, this wasn't the one. And that super sucks, right? This isn't an initial rejection based on the other persons' own projections, this is a little personal. Be upset if you need to be.
Something about you wasn't "worth it" when measured up against the darkness. That's what it feels like anyway. So, cry! Cry it out! And then let it go because I'm here to remind you there's two people at play here and you have no idea what past experience made them say "no" to your imperfections this time around. Maybe they need healing time too.
Vulnerability is hard and being the first to step into the unknown can feel foolish at times, but it serves us well. You just saved yourself a year and a half of being misunderstood by cutting to the depth of your soul and stringing it up in the air. And like a piñata dangling in the middle of a party, you've accepted the pain of being broken open, contents spilling out onto the floor.
But it's candy! And that's the truth of our truths. They're a huge sticky mess, really. But how sweet and delicate are they too?
If you're wondering whether or not it's appropriate to get deep and serious with someone about your own personal "ick", consider the dynamic and what your hopes for the future may be. Is it dishonest to hide your dark parts from people? I don't think so, not if you're clear on the boundaries of where this is going; nowhere special. If something is starting to get special? Consider free-falling into all your greatest fears and rip the bandaid off!
It may hurt to be so vulnerable with so many people, but you get used to it eventually. Honesty really is the best policy and if you're looking to find that special someone, becoming more specialized yourself will give you better direction. The "template you" catches the most interest, but is it the kind of interest you want?
Dive in! Let them take a swing at your piñata! Overall, there is no "wrong" time to let out your most intimate parts until it's too late and you're trapped inside an unfulfilling relationship - what a nightmare. The sooner the better, I say! Do it! Do it!
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