I have never been divorced. I am a child of divorce, but was an adult when my parents finally split. In reality, I was a child of a toxic marriage. I can tell you what happens when you don't just get the divorce, and what happens when you finally do. A perspective from the kid.
I was in middle school when I asked my mom if she and my dad were going to get a divorce. She comforted me in saying that no, they were not and not to worry. I was devastated.
Kids know. I was very aware of the tension that existed in my household between my parents. It was both obvious and not. They would get into screaming matches constantly due to miscommunication. I did not feel safe. I did not feel like my parents were meant to be together. It baffled me that they continued to do the same things over, and over, and over. It was the same story every day.
My dad was completely incompetent at being a parent or really, a human being in general, and my mom did the best she could to cover for both of them. The funny thing about narcissists though is they know how to act it up when necessary. My dad was abusive but only at home. In public? He was the funny, attentive dad. He made sure to coach me in sports, he made sure to crack jokes to my friends. He would do a complete 180 of the man he was in my house to the man he was in public.
I don't think anyone from middle school or high school would believe me if I told them my dad was abusive. My friends just thought he was goofy.
For example, when I was in college and still underage, I asked my dad to buy me alcohol (jokingly). I was reamed out for this. Told I was a sinner. I was even told that if he bought me alcohol, it would surely lead to us losing the house. Yes, that was his concern. That some official would find out, take me away from him (I was an adult in college...), and in the end he would "lose the house." I rolled my eyes and dropped it. Excuse me for wanting a 6-pack at age 20.
Not that he didn't do the right thing here, but threatening homelessness was a bit beyond the scope of possibility. He was always being grandiose about everything.
Fast forward to that following July when I had some college guy friends over to my house. All of us were still underage. My dad decided to do rounds of shots with them. It was all giggles and fun then. I was threatened with the house being lost, but he could engage in underage drinking with "the guys" how fun!
This pattern would repeat. People would see the dad that was my dad's public persona and not the real man. It drove me nuts. I almost always insisted on having friends over just to see this side of him. It was pathetic! And I remember wishing some other man would step in. An uncle, maybe? I wasn't sure. But I needed a father figure and no one knew because he would mask his true self around everyone else. He appeared to be a solid father-figure in the small moments he was in public. But he wasn't.
I don't think my mom realized that me asking her about divorce in middle school was me asking her to get a divorce. I was breeching the subject just to comfort myself that the option was at least on the table, in the air, or otherwise floating around my mother's brain.
When my sister finally went to college, I decided enough was enough. I would not go home anymore. I was only interested in a relationship with my mother and I was not going to watch her continue to be married to this absolute asshole. So, I took her out to dinner one night and told her to do it. And she did!
I used to resent my mom for not getting a divorce when I was younger. I felt I was denied the opportunity to create a healthy relationship with a father. I didn't get it when I was younger. How scary it is to get a divorce, especially when the father of the family is in charge of finances and actively hides them from the wife. It was a difficult situation and I've since forgiven her inability to act when I was a child.
There are studies out there that have shown the affects of not getting a divorce that is needed and getting the divorce. Both situations affect children negatively, but not getting the divorce actually shows to have more negative effects on the children of the family. Take my experience with my dad for example. I was witnessing him actively manipulate people into believing he was a competent father only to have him drop the act when we were alone.
I wasn't good enough for him to put the show on for, but my friends were.
So, go ahead. Continue to argue with your spouse in front of your kids for years and years causing them confusion on whether or not love exists. Whether or not love exists between their parents. Whether or not love exists in the family.
Don't wait for your child to ask you to get a divorce. It will happen. If you're feeling like your relationship is unhealthy and you're staying together "for the kids" just know you're doing more damage than just leaving. You're actively showing your kids that the most important relationship in their lives is toxic. That you accept this level of toxicity simply by staying. What do you think that teaches them?
It's a difficult thing to swallow your pride and admit you were wrong about this seemingly huge decision (marriage). But if you're putting your reason to stay on the kids, not only are you actively harming them, but they are going to eventually blame themselves for keeping you in a relationship that makes you unhappy. Don't put that responsibility on them.
If you're gearing up for battle more often than not and your kids are getting upset, having outbursts, and not dealing with emotions properly; get the fucking divorce. You're teaching them horrible communication skills at best, and that they are unlovable at worst. You're meant to be "in love" with your spouse and when kids don't see evidence of that, they assume something must be wrong with them.
I had this thought a lot when I was little. I convinced myself I wasn't meant to be here on this planet. It was a freak accident because my parents NEVER should have been together in the first place let alone had children together. I still struggle to believe I deserve to be here. That I'm not some evil being bred out of the hate my parents had for each other. I know I'm not the product of true love. So, what am I?
It's extremely psychologically damaging to the child when you stay inside of toxic partnerships. Get out! Divorce ends the damage. It's scary for the children, and they'll feel a loss of control over their lives, but seriously, guys? The people you have around you will step up or step in when you need them. The children will have more support than what they had before. With the added benefit of no longer witnessing damaging spousal behavior.
If you're staying "for the kids" don't. That's a hell of a thing to put on a child, and no child wants to ever come to the conclusion that their parent's aren't true loves. If you have come to this conclusion yourself, take responsibility and take the necessary steps to remedying the situation before the kids figure it out themselves. Kids fucking know. If you wait for the day your kid comes to you asking about divorce, it will only break your heart more.
If you're staying for the kids, you're being a coward. It takes a lot of bravery to get a divorce. To not take accountability for the mistake in marrying the wrong person is just cowardly at best in my opinion. And at worst? It's psychologically damaging to your children. GET OUT!
And something magical happened when my mom got divorced. She transformed into this beautiful, loving, caring woman. She was always this woman, but it was so dampened by my father's negative energy that I never got to see my mom be her authentic, happy self until she left. That was the greatest gift in the world. Getting to finally meet my mom. Not just the warrior she had to be when we were growing up.
Don't deny your kids the experience of knowing your happiest and truest self. If you're going to get a divorce after the kids are gone, get it now. They'll blame themselves for keeping you there when they see what a difference in your happiness it makes to have left when you finally do.
Stop delaying your happiness and get a divorce. Until then, you'll perpetuate the cycle of abuse and teach your kids some damaging things about love, respect, and healthy communication.
"Staying for the kids" is a cop-out. I do not respect people who do this. Do the hard thing. Do the not-done thing. Just do it already. There is more magic to unfold post-divorce.
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