We've all been told before that forgiving others is more beneficial to ourselves than it is to anyone else. That letting go of the pain associated with another person is self-healing and self-transformative. I would agree with this, but I'll take it a step further. The act of forgiving is difficult, not because we want to hold onto our pain but because forgiveness comes with a certain vulnerability. This vulnerability serves as a confession of sorts that puts us on the spot and reveals our wounds. This makes forgiving difficult yes, but also very unburdening.
Confession is my favorite extracurricular. It unburdens my soul while denying the public the ability to condemn me. If you are the first to point out your mistakes, people will move on. It's the lack of accountability people don't like. If you don't admit to your own follies, the world will throw them in your face until you do. Acknowledging your error even without an apology attached is much less damning than denying the entire thing.
Forgiving someone else is like this. It's not so much about the other person, but about you discovering your wounds, acknowledging them, and moving past them. A lot of the time when we are hurt by others in a severe way, it can be linked back to a past hurt that we may not have dealt with properly. This forces the new pain to compound with the existing pain. We're severely hurt. A wound has been hit and we are retreating away. What happens if we don't do this?
To forgive someone is not to place their emotional need above your own. In fact, choosing forgiveness is more emotionally beneficial to you than it is to them. I've been in situations before where I've needed to forgive myself because I was never going to be forgiven by the other person. This is okay. We all will do something or say something that is basically unforgivable at some point in time, forcing us to live with whatever occurred.
And I've been in instances where I've been forgiven for something that I could not forgive myself. The other person could beg me to let it go and I just could not. I hate causing pain and when I do, I can't let it go. It doesn't matter that I've been told 100 times to get over it, that they are past it, so why can't I be? The power of forgiveness comes from within, not from anyone else.
And it is this confession to yourself about yourself that enables you to move forward stronger and better. Grudges, hatreds, jealousies, and doubts all serve to damage us. It does nothing to the other person. It's much easier to live inside of our self-righteous anger and soldier on into deserved bitterness forever, throwing pity parties to feed our own egos. Our ego may seem like our best friend because it protects us from our perceived hurt, but it operates out of fear. Don't operate from a fear-based place. Choose to confess your forgiveness and bring understanding.
You don't even need to tell the other person! Sometimes, people hurt us and they have no idea. Forgiving them comes off condescending as they don't feel in the wrong to begin with. It's nice to offer people forgiveness, but it is an activity that serves ourselves first and foremost. Confess to your wounds and why that hurt so bad. Explain until there is understanding within. You'll learn a hell of a lot about yourself in the process while letting go of dead weight. Holding onto your hurt only hurts you.
It's easy to be angry forever. It feeds our ego and gives us a false sense of power in any given situation. Don't take the easy way out; taking short cuts just means you're missing out on the entire experience of life. Let go of your ego, let go of your hurt, and confess your forgiveness for yourself and for others. You'll feel lighter and lighter with each confessed grievance. I promise!
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