Are you someone who is constantly mumbling to themselves? Did you also happen to grow up in a religious household? I have a theory.
As a little girl, I was very religious. Not just spiritual like I am now, but religiously orthodox. If you were also introduced to religious doctrine as a child, you may have a habit of talking to yourself; you just forgot that that was how you used to pray.
When I was first taught how to pray, I was told to imagine a line connecting me to God. That I could feed that line with anything I want, and that he will always hear me through that connection. I was told that the best way to open up a conversation with God was just that; have a conversation.
I formed a prayer habit early of talking to God throughout my day. I remember it always feeling very natural as I would make little funny comments and send them his way. It was an open commentary on my life. I gave him updates, and I thanked him a lot. I rarely ever asked for anything as I did not feel worthy of such a blessing (religious trauma) and had resigned to the simple line of: "If it is good for me, let it come." So, mostly I was mumbling comedy skits about my life, and expressing gratitude for the things I liked about it. It helped me to focus on the positives and be a light during a time in my life which was difficult.
Well, I stopped praying for a while. I stopped praying with the intention for God to hear me. I think a more accurate description is that I have been unintentionally praying to God out of habit my entire life.
Reimagine the way you pray by starting out with a conversation. Yes, talk to yourself. But do this with the intention that God can hear you. You will be surprised at the little "ideas" you have throughout these conversations with "yourself" as if it is like God is answering you back through tiny spurts of inspiration that you yourself have to then piece together. You're not talking to yourself, you are praying. Someone is listening.
And that's the other big thing that forms a prayer habit; this idea that God can hear, see, feel, and know everything all the time. You can't really keep anything from God! Might as well mumble about things to yourself to gain some clarity. And you do this because this idea that God will hear you either way is ingrained.
This can also teach you to be kinder with yourself. When we speak to ourselves under the assumption we are talking to just ourselves, we tend to be harsher and more unforgiving in our language. If you add the intention that when you mumble away your thoughts about life under your breath, that God can hear you? You may start speaking more respectfully to "yourself." In doing this, we are able to see ourselves through God's "eyes" and "heart."
This also opens us up to experiencing the feeling of unconditional love that God has for us, making it easier to love ourselves. If you hold the belief that God is infallible, then you also have to accept that his love for you is true, deserved, and abundant. There is enough there for you to feel it for yourself too! Are you really going to disagree with God that you are a lovable being?
I am someone who has spouted before that the idea of God being real exists for the weak-minded who need crutches in life. I have resigned to respecting that decision from a distance, while rejecting the need for any "magic" or "make-believe" crutch in my life. It's not that I don't believe God is real, I just think the role he plays has been blown out of proportion over the years and that he is being used in unholy ways to push hateful agendas. Which has put me off the entire thing. But if there's anything I like most about this universe, it's the controversial characters that make me think. This includes God.
So, in a way, I do think connecting with God and using his unconditional love for you as a way to bolster your own love for yourself is a crutch. It's a shortcut to self-love. Accept God in all that he is and his love for you, and you'll never feel alone or worthless again.
I guess I'm starting to question what is so bad about having a crutch in life. Life is difficult and filled with pain. Take the short-cut, then! We all deserve a break somewhere. Don't let pride keep you from connecting.
If you don't know how to pray, but you've been talking to yourself your whole life? You're doing it! That's it! Keep it up! And if you pass by someone mumbling to themselves, they may be praying; they just might not know it.
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