I like to think that not a lot of people have been through this experience, but knowing what I know of life; that would be a false hope. In reality, we're all a bunch of cheaters and if in a perfect world we could get away with it, we might. Go ahead and raise your pitchforks at me all you want but we've all toed the line on what "cheating" is. Maybe you didn't have sex with that person, but you wouldn't want your significant other to read through your messages. Hello!!! Cheating.
But I'm not here to define cheating or call you out on being a cheater yourself, no. I want to look at the many different scenarios in which your close friend is the cheater and what you can do in these situations; if anything.
When in doubt? Shut your mouth. That really is the key here. At the end of the day, we are not responsible for our friends antics. We are responsible for our friends in some ways, and just know, who you keep in your circle reflects very much on you. In which case, solution number 1 details that you cut this friend off.
Do I believe in this? Not so much, but it is a valid option for you so I wouldn't want to skip on it. If your friend is - at any time - doing something that goes against your own personal values then a conversation needs to happen at the very least.
"Birds of a feather" and whatnot. You wouldn't want to be associated with a *whisper* cheeeaaaaaaater, would you?
And not to mention the anxiety it causes right? Don't do this to your friends. If you're cheating, keep it to yourself and let your shame swallow you whole. I digress. This is about your friend cheating.
So, you've decided not to cut this friend out, what options do you have left to "deal" with this "issue" of "yours." Solution number 2: Avoid, avoid, avoid; denial. Just shut the hell up! Turn yourself into a vault of debaucherous secrets and then only tell your therapist about it any time you feel you're going to explode. If you are someone with a friend who is cheating and you do not have a therapist? Now is the time to get one.
I think we would need to define the friendship in order to move forward with the other options available to us. Let's get specific!
Below you will find a chart of when to be quiet and when to say something to someone (my opinion? Maybe never).
Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater Table of Whispers
Relation Speak Up Vault Up
Family -
Best Friend -
Old Friend -
Acquaintance -
New Friend -
Fr/Enemy -
As you can see, there really is no definite time you should ever speak up about your friend cheating because; quite frankly, it's literally none of your business how they conduct themselves. You can always argue that it is because they told you and brought you into it, but again, denial is your best friend here. If shit gets out? You had NO idea.
I will say that family and your best friend get special privileges. Best friends because they hold a high enough position, and family because; well, you can't get rid of them no matter how hard you try so being quiet and minding your own business is good for the long game; which, family is.
With every other kind of relationship, I'll allow some wiggle room. Mostly, I really implore you to just let it be and not get involved, but with old friends, acquaintances, new friends, and frenemies/enemies, you certainly have a choice to make. This choice is either to let them go, or continue to be a confidant in this difficult period of their lives.
Just to be clear, my "speaking up" option is for you to speak up to let them go for your own personal reasons and/or sanity. The choice to tell the significant other? Literally never on the table.
Unless you are an equal third party (doubt it) in the relationship? You have no fucking say. It's that simple. Your duty is to your friend; it's called loyalty. And part of being a friend is accepting all the icky bits that they have because we all have these parts in us. So, your friend is a cheater! Help them. Don't out them.
I'm sure at this point you're wondering why best friends get the automatic vault option over the choice to let them go. I have the very personal and specialized perspective of a "best friend" to be 1 person who is basically a spouse. If you enter into a best friendship with me? We are on par with lovers - not that we need to get sexual (although I'm game) - which means you and I are committed to each other as such.
And this may be why I can't hold down a best friend to save my life; I'm too intense! Fierce loyalty here and when I'm not shown the same? My south node in Aries comes out to slice you up and ship you out forever. Sorry in advance.
I consider best friends to be of royalty and of course the royalties they deserve involve absolute anonymity when it comes to their dirty deeds.
Of course, there is the argument for the "Delicate Situation" that can provide elements that demand you tell that significant other! Do I really believe in these personally? No! Don't get in the middle of someone else's relationship! Here are the times where I'd maybe understand if you did though:
The significant other is also a close friend and no kids are involved - Here is where you're essentially choosing which friend you like better.
They're a frenemy and you've sworn to live out the rest of your life in pursuit of ruining theirs - in this scenario you have taken an oath in blood to rain hell down on this individual for all eternity. If no blood was involved, you're cool to leave it be.
They're an enemy and you just like watching the world burn - you're in the wrong here but you don't care so I won't care so much either. You do you.
The significant other is being exploited in some way. Maybe their relationship was an arrangement? And as a part of this business deal, cheating is not allowed. At this point contracts have been breached and it is your legal duty to step in.
The significant other is carrying a child - pregnant people get shot up to family status just because of the shit they're going through currently; pregnancy is dangerous! If your friend is cheating on their pregnant significant other? Fuck them! Fuck them so hard for doing that to a pregnant person! this is my only true exception. Pregnant? Burn your "friend" to the ground.
If none of this applies to your situation then it's probably best to keep all this to yourself and save yourself from getting involved in a mess you should never have been a part of to begin with.
It's really, really hard to hear that your friend is up to some nefarious shit that directly hurts another individual. It's super uncool. This would include anyone involved in any type of affair where some person is in the dark about it. You're making your friends anxious!!! Keep your affairs to yourself. And if you're the unlucky friend who has been honored with this super secret and disrespectful news, try not to get too anxious. I know, easier said than done.
I do encourage that you choose to be a teacher in these moments and support your friend in breaking off the engagement with this third party. We're here to help each other evolve! If you choose to turn your back in a moment of their weakness? You're probably just as shitty of a person.
We all make mistakes! Mistakes of passion are the easiest to make. Not to mention, there are thousands of psychologically fucked reasons people cheat. Maybe get therapeutic with your friend and get to the bottom of the real why. Something in them is hurting and broken for them to do this. Or else they're just a disrespectful asshole. Because cheating is ultimately extremely disrespectful.
All in all, you should be there to support your friend through their cheating in ways that encourage them to maybe stop or seek some help. If you're just too anxious though, and this person is not a BFF or family member, drop them. You're allowed.
Comments