We've all been there. Inside of a hole. Whether it be financial, emotional, mental, or otherwise; typically, the worst ones we get thrown into; well, we do it to ourselves.
Shame spiraling is very real. Never experienced it? I'll tell you what it feels like. It feels like you can't grab on to anything. Not one single thing. Reality? A thing that no longer exists. Shame and confusion. Guilt, oh god. Did I do that? Look left, a mistake you made. Or did you? So, you look right! Monsters. Or are those all the people you've hurt? Up is black, and you won't even dare to look down to see how much further you have to fall. Shame spiraling can kill you. Especially if you're as shitty as I am capable of being.
By the time you've reached your 30's you'll have done something really shitty. I mean seriously shitty. Some of you call it the secret you'll take to your grave. Whatever it may be, it changed your perspective of yourself. "Oh, I'd never do that," you say until you do. "I'm not that stupid," you think, watching an idiot do idiot things. Until you, yourself become that idiot.
And it sucks, right? Like, it's one thing to disappoint others or have others disappoint you. At least there's company there. But disappointing yourself? That shit happens alone inside your head where we really have no say in what comes in. Intrusive thoughts, anyone? I'm old enough now that I have a few secrets I'm taking to my grave.
And, yes. Inside my shame spirals, each and every little one crops up in blaring lights inside my noggin like billboard signs reminding me I'm destined for hell. Like little demons haunting me, my doubts creep in too. Am I one of the good ones? I hesitantly ask the void which responds with all the reasons I so am not.
There is no light inside the shame spiral. There really isn't even any truth inside of there. It's a nightmare horror show made just for you. Where all your fears come true and anything you had left to convince yourself you're safe and warm and whole? Whoosh! Out the proverbial spiral shame window. Proverbial because there are no real windows; that would mean light could get in. There is no light.
Being in the hole is eerily like this and I think shame spirals might be a symptom of being in the hole. They are at the very least triggered by being in a hole. Everyone's holes are different but I think the most common one? The hole where you buried your authentic self.
And you don't even know you're down there because you're gatekeeping it to save your life. We don't shove down our authenticity on accident; no, no. This was calculated. Maybe it took years to decide or maybe it was impulsive. Either way, a decision was made and in you went.
Sometimes it's as a reaction to a criticism of a part of your identity. So, you shove that down. Until another part of you is criticised. And you tweak and adjust and change and evolve into....what everybody else wants you to be.
And you're happy with this because it means peace. Molding yourself to what everyone expects you to be is comforting because there are no surprises there. No boat being rocked. I did this for a while. I perfected being perfect. If you know me for long enough, but not too long, you'll think I am quite perfect. I'm not saying that because I am, I'm saying that because it's the impression I give. On purpose. To live up to the expectation of the pretty, kind girl. The girl next door. She's perfect! So shall I be.
I even got nominated for Best to Bring Home to Mom and Dad as a superlative in high school. Yeah, folks. I was that good.
I'll never forget the day my study period instructor called me out on my bullshit my senior year, "I know your game," she had said squinting her eyes at me, "You're all goody two-shoes with the college boyfriend, good grades, and involvement in clubs and sports, but I know you. You're a rule breaker! And you just get away with it! Because you're so cute and innocent! I see you; though, Lily. I see you."
I was shook.
I had resigned to being misunderstood from the age of like 3. I was and still remain to this day to be the black sheep of the family. I was born during eclipse season...there may be something there.
Anyway, I couldn't believe her nailing me down like that. I had worked so hard on my persona! If not for the sole purpose of breaking rules and getting away with it. Why was I so afraid of breaking the rules?
We all are in a way, and that's how we bury ourselves. We don't want to be the rule breakers. (Especially not if we're breaking the rules by just existing). Not the first ones anyway. Not until it's "cool." It's no fun to break the mold first. You're mostly seen as a lunatic. You kind of feel like one too until you're validated. Validation has got to be one of the best feelings, right? I think so.
And validation is pretty powerful. When so many people validate the things about you that aren't necessarily the most "you" they certainly then become those parts. Validate, criticise, validate, criticise. Until? You don't recognize yourself anymore and you're suddenly starting a blog to finally get all your thoughts out because you've been crawling out of your skin to just BE YOU.
No? Just me?
Sometimes we're thrust into holes by others and we've got no say in it. Blame the patriarchy. You just know there's some smug bastard behind all of it somewhere. Regardless, you're in a hole and you need to get out somehow. I picked the common curse of the authentic self on purpose. It's also the medicine to climbing out.
Really think about why you're where you're at. WITHOUT shame spiraling. Avoid that, please. I mean the true reason. Why are you still married to that guy? How did you get in this hole? Why do your friends fucking suck sometimes? What got you here!!! What?
You married that person because your persona was compatible with them; not you. Your friends suck sometimes because they only like your persona; not you. So when you're being you for a change? They suck! How did you get in this hole? You dug it, my dudes! You presented to the world the fallacy of you. The perfected version of you. The one who lives up to daddy's expectations or remains mommy's little angel. But not actually you. Who are you?
Don't wait until your parents die to figure it out. That's a mess of confusing emotions.
Figure it out! Figure it out, right now for the love of anything good in this world. It's time. Dig yourself out by rebuilding yourself. Be honest this time. So, you did something shitty. We all have. Be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself and relearn and get to know yourself. It's a thrilling adventure!
You know your persona is likable, and is that really all that brave? To present exactly what they want but feel good when they compliment it? I mean how silly is that? It's like being told what the judges exactly want before your presentation unlike the other contestants but you're still impressed when you win? C'mon, people. Have more courage than that. Win because with or without knowing, you still did the innovative thing. The best thing you can be is yourself because no one else can be that.
Anyone can take on any persona. If I'm the girl next door? Then I'm really just any old number of neighbors. If you're a girl in a house with a house next to it, you are the girl next door. What is so special about that?
But when I'm Lily? I mean, damn.
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