Values and beliefs are one of those things that when matched is lovely, but when not? Oof. And there's a huge difference between the two situations because often times with values and beliefs comes passion.
We can't help but be passionate about what we believe in and what we stand for; especially, when the world says the opposite. It inspires us to stand up and do something differently in order to change our environment. If you're willing to get up early and fight traffic into the city for a protest, why don't you do this for yourself inside your relationships?
Of course, there are caveats with this as with everything and the big caveat here is how serious you want to be with this person you've decided to be intimate with. If they're a casual lover, fling, or holidate; values won't matter so much. If they're a potential spouse moving into the "partner" arena? Buckle up.
And this absolutely includes boyfriends and girlfriends. Whether you're being exclusive or not, putting the "-friend" label on someone is pretty damning and people will now see them as an extended representation of you. You picked them! Above everyone else. Why?
It's honestly fucking embarrassing to date someone who does not align with you on basic value systems like religion, politics, or social justice reform. It's a constant battle of, "But!" when explaining to your relatives why you love them. It's exhausting. Not to mention, the tiring little battles you'll have on virtually everything with said partner.
There are couples all over the place going against the grain and insisting on their love despite not having anything in common at all. Kudos! For real. It is quite inspiring to see that kind of passion for a person, but what is that really saying about you? To me? It screams that you put your partner above yourself. You're overlooking your own basic needs - a stable relationship with mutual respect - to cater to this person that you "love." In doing this, you accept the behaviors that come with arguing any time the news is on the TV. If you can even agree on which news channel to put on!
Love is meant to be peaceful. Not easy! Never easy; it is work most of the time. It's a constant choice you make. Hopefully an easy one! My point though, is that love is meant to bring you peace at the very least and not choosing a partner who can do that at a basic level is very telling of you. You may want to consider your own "comfort" zone as being the culprit driving force behind this absolutely insane decision - no offense.
Why did I put "comfort" in quotes? This is the universal term for what I'm referring to but I don't like that this zone is associated with "comfort." If I could rename this misnomered space, I would deem it the "habit zone" or maybe even the "subconscious fucked-up needs zone." I'm still workshopping.
Basically, our comfort zones are what we're familiar with, but not everyone's comfort zone is comforting. For example, I thrive in toxicity. I practically do not respond to adrenaline coursing through my veins. When my adrenaline kicks in? I calm down. Being in stressful environments is my bread and butter; I know just what to do to comfort everyone while they panic because I am perfectly fine.
I learned this from my own environment in childhood and as a result it is what I would seek in partnerships. The toxicity was my comfort zone; it's what I knew best. It's not what was best for me, though. In this way, our comfort zones can be our enemies simply shedding light on what we subconsciously crave due to our own habitual experiences. So, I certainly found myself in relationships that were controlling, disrespectful, and challenging to me. I liked a good argument! Even a bad one. Yikes!
Stop! Readers, please. It's time to define your comfort zone and what about it no longer serves you. Get to the bottom of this! This will explain why you're in the same relationship over and over despite the partner changing. At the end of untangling your learned "needs" that just don't make sense, you will find that you simply will not accept a partner with differing values anymore.
What you'll find inside these little partnerships where values don't match is a festering wound. It's a gross, open, gurgling pustule right in the middle of your two hearts trying to become one. It's an itch! And you will scratch it. You'll find yourself throwing values into the argument when it originally started over dishes.
"You never do the dishes! It's like you expect me to do them all the time. What are you, a sexist asshole?!"
And, with time this will just get worse and build. So, before you enter into a "loving" contract with this person who does not value what you value, remember that you'll always be in battle and it may be due to your own experience of life and what you think you deserve.
Differing opinions? Perfectly okay. When it comes to things like food or other objects... If the matter has to do with literal fucking human beings and their stance is "Well everybody matters" huehue dum dum; fucking run. It's simply not worth fighting over because clearly that's just a shit human you're wasting your breath on.
Anyway, matching values in partnerships matters and if you're constantly in relationships with toxic patterns, consider your "comfort" zone and untangle that shit!
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