I think we can all agree that one of the worst feelings in the world is getting your parade shat all over by someone you love and trust. It's like finding out your safe space is dangerous. The lights go out and you're left a little confused but definitely dimmer. Why does this happen and how can we navigate letting go of the shock, embarrassment, shame, and confusion around what happens when it rains on our parade?
My most shocking Parade Storm came about when I was fresh into high school. I know what you're thinking; How did she make it through middle school without a scratch? I did not. I'm just jumping ahead to the worst of it so we can really get down and dirty with this.
I was attending an all-girls Catholic high school at the time and was very, very excited about it. I had attended the summer camps there for volleyball growing up and the place was said to be haunted! Needless to say, when applying to schools, I was really only interested in this one.
Choosing this school was bold. Most of my classmates filtered into what seemed like the obvious choice school. It was co-ed and sports oriented; although, no private high school will admit to giving out sports scholarships. Oh, they do though! They do. I believe they fall under the category of "Leadership Scholarships." Sneaky, sneaky you crazy elitists!
This particular event occurred almost immediately upon entering the school. By the end of January my second year? I had switched schools.
I was inspired to tell you all this story because - like every so often over the many years - I had a nightmare about it again last night. Yes, it's been YEARS since this happened and it admittedly became the groundwork for all my current nightmares. Nightmares I'll be dealing with forever I suppose. And, really; this wasn't so bad.
Have you ever been called "obnoxious" before? Think about that word. Whenever I think about the word "obnoxious" I picture a person in particular. Because this really is a personality thing. It's rare to describe things or situations as obnoxious, but people? We label others obnoxious all the time. Ceecee, I'm looking at you.
Ceecee is my go to image of the "obnoxious." Why? During a sleepover in my youth with many girls for a birthday party she refused to go to sleep. I mean, she tried everything to get everyone else to also stay awake. Screaming, jumping around, putting various foods on us; the list goes on!
When I think of the vibe of "obnoxious" I imagine Ceecee jumping around a sea of little girls spraying whip cream on everyone. I think the birthday girl ended up crying out of frustration. We learned later ADHD and a lack of meds had a part to play in this. So, really? It was probably Ceecee having the worst time. Or the best. ADHD is interesting like that; I have it too, girl!
Unfortunately, Ceecee was never invited to another sleepover again. Youth is tough!
My story also involves a sleepover of girls in their youth. A sleepover of all my best friends at the time! I think it was at Gina's house. Everyone was invited! My very best friend Haley was going, but so were the new friends we had made together. It would be about 5 girls I think. At least. I found out about it after it happened.
Sweet and innocent Haley took it upon herself to teach me a lesson then. I don't know what the fuck she was thinking at the time. I like to think it was for my own good? That her intentions were pure and of the growth nature. Unfortunately, I don't trust the mind of a 14 year old girl to be pure and good intentioned. I think maybe she had been waiting for this moment.
Monday rolls around and word of the sleepover is out because I'm told specifically by being taken aside. I was then informed by my then best friend that everyone had gotten together for the sole purpose of discussing me and everything that was wrong with me. Yep! Indeed; a group of girls had a sleepover together to talk trash about me. Not a random group of girls either; my best friends. Thank you so much Gina, Kailey, Emily #1, Emily #2, Abby, Amanda, Julianna and of course; Haley. I still have nightmares about this thank you very much.
This Parade Storm hit me in my identity. I had not presented anything specific to get rained on, my storm came regardless. Almost inevitably. And it crushed me into a pit of devastation for a long, long, long - possible still - long time. I don't think I was the same after that and I resent it. Of course, Little Lily didn't have the tools to know that they were just jealous of her confidence. She took it to heart. And I changed.
They attacked the way I entered a room. How, every morning, I would announce my arrival and say hello to everyone. How obnoxious is that? - they had said. She's so obnoxious!
I refuse to apologize for being noticed when I enter a room. And I won't apologize for bringing that attention on myself. They called me an attention whore. Fine. At the time, I was really upset by this. I didn't want to seem like someone who needed attention. Now? Is there anyone out there who doesn't like attention of some kind? It's a basic human need! To be acknowledged. At the very least. No one likes feeling invisible.
That's it though. That's all they had on me. They discussed for an entire sleepover - basically - my level of confidence and how jealous they all were of it disguised as a fault or flaw in me as a person. I might still hold a grudge about this. Maybe by the end of this piece I'll have let it go. Emily #1? I still punch you in the face in my dreams so maybe don't come around me, ever.
So, what does it feel like to get really excited about something (sometimes we're just excited about ourselves!) to then have people you trust knock you down? I don't think I could pinpoint the exact emotion. I couldn't pick just one. Although; a very important person to me recently taught me a new word that I think would fit; ignominy.
Instead, I will call it a "shift." I believe that every single time something like this happens; whether it be a direct hit to who we are or just something we're passionate about, something in us shifts and adapts and; inherently, changes.
You dim yourself. The part of you that was ridiculed, or the project you were excited about. Whatever it is, it gets tossed. As quickly as possible too! Why is that? Why is there so much shame in raining on parades? But for the victim! Not even the perpetrator! It's how most traumatic events play out, actually. The victim gets gutted but they're the ones left with all the shame and despair while the perpetrator is bolstered with laughs or otherwise approving facial expressions and gestures.
I have a little rhyme - not created by me - to help in these situations. It's one of those things you hear as a kid that means nothing until it finally does. It goes a little something like this:
I'm rubber and you're glue; what bounces off of me, sticks to you!
I think the original intent was for bullying purposes, not a defense strategy. It's an immature response when said out loud, but serious support when recalled upon in your head. I'm changing the narrative. This is your comfort when you've ignominally been ripped apart by loved ones.
Because that's the true sentiment when people pick on you, ridicule you, or otherwise make you feel like a steaming pile of shite. They're seeing things in you that they don't like about themselves. Confidence becomes a sickness of the obnoxious, your uniqueness; unacceptable. People can only see the things that light sheds itself upon. Any part of you that is thrown out into the universe is done so in a manner of brightness, lightness, hope, and happiness. And some just can't handle that.
Whatever they're attacking you for? They're probably envious of.
Now, this particular event definitely helped me make more friends moving forward. But, how did that affect my quality of friend? Sure, people liked me naturally now; I wasn't obnoxious anymore. But did I care about the number? Or do I care about the brand?
It's okay to be obnoxious about yourself. No one else will be! People just don't care. Keep marching, I say! Throw up that rubber umbrella and carry on with your parade. When they realize their fabricated rain doesn't affect you, people will stop trying to bring it down on you. Trust me. Sing, dance, boogie and wiggle your way down the street. Obnoxiously. It's quite fun.
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