My first experience was not special. I think this contributes greatly to how I view sex and have viewed sex my whole life. I had a HUGE crush on the guy don’t get me wrong. Like I picked who I picked on purpose and was excited to do this with him but beyond that? Nothing much in terms of emotions for me.
Every sexual experience I have had has been unique because it’s with someone different. I definitely couldn’t decipher the bad from the good. Mostly because I had way more drunk sex than sober sex when single…..so do I really remember? Not really. Another contributor to the fact that I believe sex to be an expression of what you want it to be and nothing more.
More on that train of thought, sex is an activity. Like riding a bike. Some people don’t do it, never learn, don’t like it, and some people really enjoy it and even derive pleasure from riding bikes. Sex is like this too. It’s just an activity. One that you get to share with someone. A super fun one where you get to make the other person feel good. That’s hard to do with things like making dinner. You appreciate it, but do you feel good? Like actual remnants of happiness can be felt, good?
Sex definitely expresses something but that something is so versatile. That’s the only meaning I will ever give to sex is that it IS an expression of something. And the two people involved create that together. Even when it means absolutely nothing it’s still an expression of that nothingness.
And you can feel the difference too. I can tell when my sex is an expression of nothingness and when it holds meaning. I wish you had that experience so you could see that there IS a difference and that the differences actually lie on a spectrum of sorts. One end being I care about you a lot and the other being I need a body.
So, I have this spectrum of meaning in front of me and I want to experience it all. How unique can I make all my relationships? How many ways can I express myself and what does that look like?
I’m not necessarily looking for a BETTER sexual partner. It’s not about the sex at all in the end but how the experience makes me feel and how it changes my perception of the types of relationships we can have.
And sex is a part of relationships for me it just is. An important part. Not because sex is important but because connecting in every way possible is important to me. And there is a connection when you have sex, but I’ve also had very disconnected sex before too so I know that sex doesn’t always result in a higher connection. It has the ability to!
Sex is an activity that should be shared between people for any reason at any time. It’s like having a conversation. We need to socialize. Make emotional connections with people. It goes back to companionship. Needing multiple companions to satisfy you. I feel this way about sex too.
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