I've made a post about this before but from the perspective of monogamy being weird. I'd like to now share my journey in polyamory and break down some of the stigmas surrounding "open" relationships.
Opening up a monogamous relationship is difficult and it comes with a lot of panic, confusion, and hurt from the party not thinking in this arena. A lot of people hear "polyamory" or "open relationship" and they immediately assume problems are being solved in a Hail Mary sort of fashion. This is your last leg and good luck to you!
I discovered I was polyamorous at a young age before ever getting married or being in serious relationships. Save for one. I was in one monogamous relationship in my life and the entire time I felt guilt and shame over my little crushes on people. I would shove them down and ignore them. Simply because I was brought up in a monogamous world. I assumed something must be wrong with me. The second I discovered the world of polyamory I knew it was for me.
Are you a serial cheater if you're polyamorous? Is polyamory some fancy form of cheating? Actually, no!
It's impossible to cheat inside polyamory. As someone who has been cheated on, I can tell you with 100% certainty that it's the embarrassment of not knowing that hurts the most. The fact that they kept a secret. An intimate one, with someone else. Not the actual act! Polyamory separates that out. You might find that the act does not bother you the way the deception does.
I do joke with my husband that the only way he could possibly cheat on me is if he's thinking of someone else while inside of me. Go fuck that person, then! When you're with me, you're with me. It boggles my mind that monogamous people circumvent their crushes by imagining other people when they're with each other, YIKES!
There is a hierarchy involved in polyamory land. Everyone knows where they stand and communication is key.
The way my polyamory works is that my husband is my husband and I'm faithful to my husband. YES! There is still loyalty and faithfulness involved in polyamory. It's not the kind found in monogamy - shackles to one person for all eternity in every way - but it's the ideology that your primary partner is your top priority. Your other lovers fall in line after that. Remember, communication is key and people appreciate honesty. Let them know where they stand! It's comforting.
Any time I'm introduced to a new lover I lay down the law. Don't fall in love. I'm married. I will leave at the drop of a hat if my husband needs me. He comes first. But let's have fun :)
Once, a lover said absolutely not. They tried! But they wanted something serious and so they moved on. All of my other lovers (over time...not all at once) didn't mind and they knew the score.
How did I know I was polyamorous?
I suspect most people are polyamorous and stifling it but this is how I knew. My first evidence was all the way back in middle school to be perfectly honest with you. I'd have multiple boyfriends oscillating around. None of them minded at the time. There was no overlap really but I would flip flop incessantly. Off, on, off, on, testing here and there. I was a wild child. My best friends dad called me "boy crazy." By the time I was 15 I had discovered I could in fact be in love with two people at once. My heart expands and love is limitless here.
I think the misconception that you can only truly be in love with one person in a lifetime is...pretty daft. There are billions of people on the planet and you believe your energy only mingles pleasantly with one person? Fuck that! Your heart expands. And there's evidence of it when you have more than one child. Not sure though, maybe all you monogamous folks have a favorite child. I can't imagine that happening with my heart. I'm telling you guys! It continues to grow and completely encapsulates every single person or pet I love.
So, I knew at an early age that I could absolutely be infatuated with multiple people at one time. My teammates at the time would here stories from my school days and had defined me as the love triangle girl. I was 11.
I just love people and getting to know people I think it's magical. Maybe you don't feel this way but connections are my favorite thing in the world.
Furthermore, I am a lot. I have accepted that I am "too much" of a person. It's why I have this blog. If I shared all my thoughts all the time with my husband while on top of that placing all my needs on him? He would burn out and die. I suspect anyway. I can be overwhelming.
So, I then figured out I could not possibly subject any other human being to a "forever" with only myself. My needs are far beyond normal, I'm aware of this, and one person could not possibly meet all of them. I don't think any one person could ever meet any other one person's needs. This is my theory. Spread the love. Spread the neediness. I've never received any complaints about my neediness and it's because I spread it around.
On the flip side of this...pressure relief! I can never "fail" my husband in any way because if it's not in my toolbox to help, he has the freedom to find comfort in another companion elsewhere completely guilt free. And I love that. If I don't have the mental space, or whatever the reason is; maybe I'm shitting the bed on comfort in the moment! He has options. He has outlets. And we communicate freely about all of that.
With everything, there are boundaries to be set. And having boundaries and ground rules in the beginning is a huge help to figuring out what kind of polyamory works for you!
When first starting on this journey with my husband, we were in college and freshly dating. I explained I was polyamorous and insisted that yes, you only get a piece of me, but it will be the biggest piece I can offer. Hierarchy!
So, because of the college atmosphere and the mingling of so many people in such a small space, we had rules. We've adapted them as we've grown and matured because we found that having rules just created more problems eventually.
For example, we started our polyamory journey with a "don't ask, don't tell" mentality. Terrible idea. In my experience any way. It felt dirty if I'm honest. Like actual cheating. I was hiding a part of my life, right? I hated that feeling. We discarded that after I painted the picture of the hierarchy.
It helps to imagine you and your primary partner on thrones above everyone else. I am the Queen and he is the King and around us are our lovers who know where they stand and understand the situation. My husband and I were friends for years before dating so we had witnessed each other dating other people. This was not a new sensation for us and I think that helped.
I had confided in him before about my lovers and boyfriends/girlfriends and so had he! We just fell back into that while knowing with absolute certainty that we were each other's number ones. That is important to nail in. I used to say to him, "Just think, I could spend the night anywhere and tonight I pick you!" It makes each day and each moment spent together all the more special and intimate. I choose my husband every day. I prioritize him in every way.
Onto the rules! In our college days we had three very standard rules that seemed to work for us.
Rule #1: When we're together, we're together.
This is still a rule we have today. If I'm out with my husband, then it's my husbands time. Touching, kissing, and even flirting with others is a huge no-no. It's a respect thing. We're still a unit and extremely impenetrable force together and so we act that way. This is a good rule to have. You can have your time outside the relationship, but when it's my time, it is only my time.
Rule #2: No mutual friends
This was good for our college days as we had many mutual friends and to those friends we were partners. I guess this was a "don't shit where you eat" kind of rule. Around family and close friends, we were a unit. They knew we were polyamorous of course, but mixing friends and lovers can get messy. I would never make my husband have to hangout with a lover of mine. He's met them! But we don't all hangout hunky dory 24/7. Some he has never met.
Rule #3: Always use protection
Okay, this is still a rule of ours too because it's just basic safety. Right? Like be safe, don't put my health at risk. AND it helps separate out our sex with the sex we have with our lovers. My sex with my husband feels more intimate (I know it's an illusion just stick with me) because there's no barrier between us. Using condoms with lovers helps with the hierarchy of it. Only the King/Queen gets the all-access pass!
I also have separate boundaries for lovers that I don't enforce with my husband. Again, the access is different and hierarchal.
What made me decide that I wanted a polyamorous relationship/marriage? My love for my husband.
I subscribe to the belief that partners do not complete but enhance. I tell my husband all the time, if I'm not enhancing your life, get out! I just want him to have fun. Part of that is encouraging all his curiosities and explorations. I want him to say YES to every open door and sometimes that open door is another woman's vagina and I'll be damned if I'm so selfish as to claim this entire human being is all mine. I don't own him and he is separate from me. I enhance his life and he enhances my life. That's it!
I really do believe we're all here to learn about ourselves first and foremost. And we can do that in partnerships but why limit that kind of exploration? It's not about the need to have sex elsewhere, it's about not shutting your partner's heart down every time they feel pleasantly about someone. It's overcoming any jealousy there about that because you're constantly openly discussing it with each other!
We share our stories with each other because it feels intimate to us. It helps us explore ourselves and we like sharing what we've learned.
What if you fall in love deeper with someone else? Amazing! that's what I say.
I just want my husband to be happy and I'm fairly certain he's in love with me but if his heart can grow by loving someone else more? I want that for him. Who wouldn't when you truly love someone. I just want to see him happy. So, sure, there's a "risk" if you see it that way but I suspect our journey together will play out the way it's meant to. If he falls in love, I'll be excited for him.
And of course, I'm still human so it would hurt like hell! Don't get me wrong. I chose my primary partner for a reason. I love him! I might even be a little obsessed! I intend to stick it out with him for as long as is necessary for our soul development, but I'm not so concerned with "forever."
I did fall in love with a lover very deeply once. I told my husband about it and how much it scared me. I didn't think I was capable of that much love. And this is coming from the 11-year-old love triangle girl. So, you can imagine how much my mind was blown. That was an interesting situation. I had even admitted to flirting with the idea of replacing my primary partner. It was a difficult conversation but we were able to have it together. I didn't feel alone in my ridiculous crush. I had support. We tell each other everything! Even when it's hard.
And it's magical to open your relationship to other experiences because it means constantly learning and growing and adapting. And we get to do that together. As a unit. Full of unconditional love, compassion, empathy, and support.
Everybody develops crushes every once in a while, even in relationships! Wouldn't it be much nicer to be able to share that with your primary partner instead of shame spiraling into oblivion over...what? Your ability to love? Seems silly to me.
Love is the best thing we do, stop limiting yourselves!
My advice on introducing polyamory in a monogamous relationship: Come from a place of love.
If you're using it as a "fix" it's not a good time. Explaining to your partner how you view love (limitless and THE BEST THING) and how you just want them to be happy, they then may see it in the right light. This is not a band aid solution. It's a new step to take together in an already solid place. It's an adventure! One that you take as each other's Kings or Queens or King and Queen, whatever! It takes an open heart and a lot of courage. It requires you to kill your ego and experience the moment instead.
If you're still unsure about how to introduce this lifestyle, show them this post! This is a real-life representation of one form of polyamory. It takes time and trust, it doesn't happen overnight.
You're not a bad person for having an expansive heart. You just might be like me :)
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