I Won't Have Patience

I’ve always heard that good things come to those who wait, but what is worth the wait? I’m not sure anymore.

I’ve always subscribed to never needing anything, but I’ve also been subconsciously waiting to be “saved” and I hate that narrative. No one can save me but myself. I know this. I’ve been doing it my whole life. So, why does it feel like you might “save” me? You won’t. You’ve made that clear, and I’ve made it clear that I don’t need anything; including saving. So, done.

I don’t need patience then. Not at all. I’ve been “practicing” it and failing at having it, but I’m done trying anymore. I am just going to be. Not waiting, not having patience; just being.

Then I wonder what that looks like. Does it look like me typing away at my keyboard everyday because that seems to be what I do the most if I’m being perfectly honest. I tap, tap, tap away at a keyboard, and then I might open a book, but books have been making me sleepy lately. Sometimes I just sit at my desk wondering what I have in me to write anymore. It doesn’t feel like I’ve expended all my ideas; no, in fact, it feels like I haven’t yet written my greatest one.

I don’t need patience for that though because all my good ideas come in good time. Not fast enough if I were to wait for them, but I understand timing is always divinely orchestrated and so I really don’t have to wait for anything. I don’t have to have patience for anything. It will all come whenever it comes, and it will all go whenever it goes. I will just sit, and write, and be.

I’m unsure what will happen if I begin to be instead of continue to wait. Life will happen, surely. What will happen though? I don’t have control over that. I have no control over happenings, and I know this. So, I will let it all happen. In the time it is meant to happen, and I will be fine with that. Will I be happy with that? I won’t force happiness unless it makes other people feel better.

When I am being, I am mostly alone. I feel most like myself when I am alone, but I also feel most like myself when I am being social. I just don’t have very much to say these days because all the things I have to say, nobody talks about. All the thoughts I have, nobody thinks.

So, when I say what I need to say, nobody listens, and when I think the thoughts that happen to occur to me, I bottle them up and put them here. I have decided I will not be patient. I don’t need to wait for anything at all. I am most in control of my day today and so I will focus on that, and not worry about the future. I never have before, so why start now? Why have patience for a future to come when I can be today?

That’s really all my brain can handle anyway, the rest is overwhelming, and I’d rather it be simple than overwhelming. If I could name the feeling I have right now it would be a cross between indifference and hope. It’s not fully hope and it’s definitely not fully indifference. It does not make me happy, but it doesn’t make me sad either. It brings me peace, I suppose. I feel peace about this. It is an indifferent kind of hope. An inhoperence. That is the word I am looking for.

Sometimes I feel like there are not enough words in the languages I speak to fully and accurately express all of my emotions. They are a mix, and so the words need to be mixed. I am not sad about this, but I am not totally happy about it either. It’s not that I feel nothing, and it’s not that I’m tired of waiting or having anxiety over impatience. I just have decided, through the transitive property, that I do not need patience because I do not need anything. It is not that I am being impatient or that I don’t care, I just don’t need it anymore.

Do I feel free? No. Maybe freer, but not free. Another word I need to describe this feeling of nothingness and freedom. Not quite nothing and not quite free. Indifferent relief? It is not relieving it just is because I am just being. I just am. It is what it is. Sounds like I don’t care and am indifferent, but I do like this a lot.

I am skipping needing patience. I am hopping across the pond instead of using water skis or floating along in an innertube. I’ve overwritten what it is to wait and to be saved and to need either of those. Release? I care. But it does not bring me pain to let go of this need for patience. It does not bring me pain to let go of this need for saving. As though it is a skin I have shed and is part of my life cycle. I am losing something yes, but it needs to be lost and so I “don’t” care. I don’t mind.

I am inhoperent to patience and I do not need it. Needless, releasing freedom. A miss-take on what I needed or thought I needed or maybe the word is longed for. I do not long anymore and so I do not need patience.

A lossless loss. What is the word for that? Interloss?

It’s not so obvious that it needs naming I suppose. I am in an inhoperence about an interloss that was originally a miss-take on what I perceived to need. I don’t need patience at all.

So, I won’t have patience.