Firstly, hello everyone! I apologize for the temporary hiatus in posts, but I wanted to make sure you were all caught up ;)
During this time, I have been adjusting to moving to a new country! Woohoo! So; officially, it took me 5 months to adjust. FIVE MONTHS, people. Here's how it went...
Change is just one of those things I don't think anyone is inherently "good" at. I thought maybe I was one of the lucky ones; but alas, no. Moving to a new country has honestly put me on my ass. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually; I'm dead. But this is good news...if I'm dead....that would mean the Lily that existed before this move no longer exists...is this a good thing? Personally, and in my own opinion, yes. I'm a mess of a person and quite frankly, I moved countries to run away from something. Spoiler! You can't actually run away from your emotions. It does not matter if you've put an ocean between you and the past....your emotions come with. Damn! (That's a good lesson for another day....but today I'm talking about change).
Change! Boy, did I mix up my life by moving. I had to quit my job which I adored, I put 3,000 miles in between my family and myself for the first time in my life, and along with that bridge of distance includes my friends; so very far away. Am I still friends with them, I wonder? I sure hope so. I need to check in soon.
I fell off the face of the planet navigating through all these changes. It wasn't just my home being different, it was my job being lost, the time zone change which makes communication with "the others" impossible, and the waiting. My god, I'm STILL waiting on things. I'm STILL not settled. Have I mentioned half a year has gone by?
I was prepared for all that, though. I knew what I was signing up for. I would be thousands of miles away from anyone I "loved" minus my husband. I knew I would lose my job. I knew the time zone would be different, the language different, the food different. I knew all of that. I had prepared! Therapy? Would have to be put on pause; which, how flawed is that? Everyone says moving is the most stressful event anyone can go through, but you can't even keep the same therapist through it! So there I was, across an ocean, navigating all this change...without a therapist. Rebecca, I miss you.
We haven't even begun to scrape the surface on why I ran so far away from where I was...but that is a story for another day. Just know, there was some emotional fall-out that I was also dealing with at the time. I was pretty much broken by the time I arrived to where I am at now! I left out of necessity and I attempted to assimilate out of necessity. I thought I was doing pretty well for myself. I had foreseen all the major changes and properly mentally prepared. But, dammit. I didn't even consider the minor changes when I made my list of "what could go wrong" or more accurately a "what's going to make me uncomfy?" list.
You know that story we're all told about the empty jar and how to fill it? There are pebbles and rocks and sand and all sorts of shenanigans and if you don't put them in in the proper order of importance, it won't all fit! I'm pretty sure the moral of the story is about priorities and how to responsibly manage them all. They talk about putting the big rocks in first because those are the big-deal things all the way down to filling in the sand. I have some things to say about that sand!!!
The little things fucking matter. I will repeat that, actually. That's how important this is. The little things absolutely matter; in fact, is there such a thing as a little thing? Or is it all pretty big? Do we just create the illusion of little things so we can better manage our lives? Because the reality that everything is a big deal is just way too overwhelming to comprehend? I wonder.
Here's the lesson I learned: every little thing you do and every little thing you say has an impact. Words are powerful magic. Showing kindness? Even stronger magic. I had not accounted for all the little parts of my day that I would miss. The little things that actually made up my entire day. I focused on the big ticket items like career, finances, romance. I didn't consider every little life I touched every day. The time I had in the mornings before work where I cuddled my dog. I don't even have a job to create that structure for myself anymore! Morning cuddles are a thing of the past, I'm afraid. Left in my home country.
Steve, I miss you. Thank you for always knowing my sandwich order when I would walk in. I am horribly impatient; so, knowing you would start on my sandwich as soon as you saw me regardless of the line in front of me? Made my LIFE.
To the homeless woman on 10th Ave who would call me "Barbie" simply because I wore pink the first day we met; I hope someone else now gives you $1 a day! I hope you're well.
The men at the garage! I said I would be back in September and I never showed up. I never said goodbye. I'm so sorry! I hope someone is there to give you all hershey kisses this Valentine's Day in my stead!
I mean, the list goes on you guys! All these people, and all these memories are what made up my day. No, Steve is not a rock in my life. He would be the sand. But it was the sand I felt when I left. All the little things that made my day magical and whole were gone. I've had to pave my own way here and meet new people. Which, is not going well. I was told to get bumble for friends but it just seems weird. I really need to join some clubs or something.
Anyway, don't forget to count the sand. We can only prepare for so much in our lives and I had thought by over analyzing every big thing that could go wrong that I had managed pretty well. I forgot about the sand! If I could go back and do it over again, I might not mentally prepare at all. Just take things as they come. Change is exciting but it's also sad too. There's a loss there of sorts. A loss of old ways that makes way for the new.
So, knowing what I know now, I would prepare differently. I'd let myself know that of course I would be sad because I'll feel the loss somewhere eventually. Instead of foolishly trying to avoid said sadness. But that sadness isn't all that bad. It's important to embrace your sadness when faced with change. It reminds you that at some point in your life, you had something or someone worth crying over. That's kind of beautiful I think!
Love this ❤️