A lot of us carry wounds from our childhood that still silently - or very obviously - affect us. We are then told to do something called "inner child work" or "inner child healing" but are left with little to no idea what that means. Well, it looks different to everybody and is very specific to our childhood wounds and childhood trauma.
One childhood wound that we can look at that I consider to be pretty universal is a lack of affection and attention from our primary caregivers. This could be due to busy work schedules and the simple fact that life does not go as planned and emergencies or other pressing matters tend to be slotted above giving affection or attention. This can also go so far as affection and attention being withheld as a form of punishment that is emotionally abusive to the child. Whether you had busy caregivers or were actively harmed in this area of life, it is important that we do the work to heal these parts of ourselves.
When a child does not receive proper affection, they can then go on to develop unhealthy attachment styles in life. Two of the main attachment styles are Avoidant and Anxious.
An avoidant attachment style presents as a deep denial of our inner needs. A person with this style attachment tends to belittle their needs due to the perception that to have needs is a type of burden to others. You may have avoidant attachment style if you are constantly parading that you are independent while internally feeling very lost. It is important to the avoidant person to not be needy. This also creates a barrier to diving into the more personal aspects of life.
Continuing with avoidant style, this attachment can present as running from deeper connections out of the fear of being "found out." Of course, to have needs is perfectly human and natural but it is seen as a defect to the avoidant person. When the avoidant person gets to know you too well, they fear you will then see them for what they are; a person with needs. But this is taboo! And so they run before a deeper connection can ever be established. Getting close and developing those deeper personal connections is difficult to the avoidant person.
The kind of lack of affection and attention that may lead to this attachment style includes not feeling understood in childhood, not feeling heard, or constantly having your needs labeled as "no big deal" and so you start to believe this too. If you were given the impression that your needs did not matter, you may be at risk for avoidant attachment style issues later in life.
An anxious attachment style is very different but not altogether the opposite of an avoidant attachment. I would not label these people as needy, but they are more likely to fall into co-dependent patterns inside different relationships whether they be intimate or not. You may have anxious attachment style if you tend to overshare especially paired with a quick dive into oversharing. The anxious person typically deals more intimately with feelings of jealousy and possessiveness. Not to say that these people are naturally jealous and possessive people, but it is an internal struggle amongst this attachment style.
The anxious attachment style can present as forming deep bonds very quickly that rock your emotional world but then suddenly end just as rapidly. These are the friends that attach themselves at the hip and the lovers who subconsciously intertwine their lives with yours in order to avoid being left, dumped, or ghosted.
The lack of affection and attention in childhood that leads to this attachment style is abandonment. If you are someone who feels as though they were abandoned by a primary caregiver, you may be at risk for developing this attachment style issue in the hopes that you can avoid being abandoned again by forming those deep bonds that make it hard for the other person to let go of. Almost like digging your claws in so that the person cannot leave you. Which is what leads to possession and co-dependency. Not that any of our anxious attachment style people have claws! It's simply their wounds rearing their ugly heads.
And these attachment styles are not set in stone. You are not either one or the other; in fact, it is likely that you ping-pong between both! I find that in my intimate relationships I am avoidant but in my more platonic relationships I can be very anxious. There is no rule for where you fall when it comes to these categories and it's perfectly normal if you feel you may display both depending on the situation or the relationship dynamic.
If you have made it this far and are cringing at your own self-reflection of your past, do not panic! We have made it to the solution portion of this post!
The first step in overcoming these attachment style issues and healing your inner child is awareness. Cringing at yourself? Check! You're already done with step one. Accepting that we may have issues in these areas is the only way we can do anything about them.
Healing your inner child comes from a lot of validation, but the good news is you do not need validation from anyone but you. Using visualization, imagine you are meeting your inner child. It is you from any age that you so choose. Your inner child needs a lot of validation so be prepared to lay it on thick. Tell them that you are there to care for them and that you love them with all your heart! That they do not have to be afraid anymore because you're in charge now.
Depending on your attachment style, break down some of your own habits by shedding light on them while enforcing to your inner child that they are valid in having needs, or that it is okay when people leave; that is life! Have as many of these conversations with yourself as you need until your inner child fully believes you and accepts what you are saying as truth.
These conversations that you have with yourself are important because it teaches us that we are all we need when it comes to our inner needs. This does not mean that we don't want romance and all the other beautiful things that come with different connections, it just means that in the moments we do not have those relationships, we are at peace with the care we can provide to ourselves.
The next step in healing the inner child I consider to be the hardest part regardless of how good it feels. And that is accepting joy again.
Seems a bit silly, no? Of course we accept joy! Of course we want to feel and experience joy, why would that be so hard to do? Let me ask you something, do you know what brings joy to your heart?
Ask your inner child! Reflect on the fun you had growing up and pick out the things you enjoyed that would make your heart sing. Then consider the last time you did those things.
I'm talking about dancing, singing, skipping, and jumping. Climb a tree! Ride your bike! Take a moment to swing on a swing set in the park. These things can be difficult for us as adults because they seem to be for children only. Spoiler alert! We are all children in our hearts and all we want is to find the joy in life again. So, consult your inner child! When was the last time you played with play-dough or did finger painting? Go build a sandcastle on the beach if you feel too silly ordering yourself a sandbox, but do it! Do it without shame! This is what heals our inner child.
I find this to be the most difficult step because no one wants to appear silly, immature, or; worse, unintelligent and when we act like children or do childish things it's seen as a negative. I am hear to tell you it is not! You are healing the parts of you with the most wounds and rediscovering joy!
Continue to have these conversations with yourself validating your needs. Continue to accept joy in the moments where you don't have to be an adult; we often have to be professional or mature as adults but that doesn't mean it has to be that way all the time!
Start the journey to healing your inner child now and never stop! Let them out to do what they do best; shine!
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