In today's age, it can be a little too easy to "ghost" people now that most interactions take place online or via technology. It's true! Think of the time you actually spend with friends in-person, and the time spent messaging them on some sort of device. We all have busy lives and the convenience of our mobile devices and home computers allows us to maintain this illusion of work/life balance in a quick and easy way.
Because of this convenience, the ability to "stand up" individuals on "dates" has developed into what we call "ghosting" in the tech world. Ghosting is essentially standing someone up, but in perpetuity, through technology (typically). Ghosting is the act of ignoring, blocking, or otherwise shutting down a mutual connection with seemingly no reason and terrible timing.
Ghosting usually happens for a reason, but that reason is rarely expressed as the ghoster hits the block button out of self-righteousness and a holier-than-thou mentality never to return again. "Ghosting" is acceptable in one instance; at a time when your safety is threatened. If you ever feel like your safety is being threatened? Hit the block! No one is faulting you for cutting cords with aggressive assholes. And I wouldn't even label this ghosting. If you're being harassed online for any reason? Blocking is boundary setting and has nothing to do with ghosting.
Ghosting, to me, is when there has been an established connection (time an irrelevant factor) between people who have entered a kind of "ship" whether that be a casual fling/flirt relationship, friendship, or courtship; does not matter. You have "shipped up" with this person and you're now building rapport.
If you have built rapport with someone at any level, you are now in the position to ghost them and they you.
And this doesn't just happen with people inside interpersonal relationships; ghosting exists in the working world as well. Every day, companies en masse choose to ignore and ghost applicants like it's common practice. It's disgusting. The work culture has turned into such a monster-being that it's actually acceptable to just not respond to people when they've reached out to inquire about a position. And sometimes, companies you worked for decide to ghost you once you've left. Communication was great while you were an employee, but now that you need that reference? Little back-and-forth and they take months. Bonkers!
I have a theory for why companies get away with this treatment of applicants and former employees that I call The Machine Mask Theory. I won't go into it here; that's another post for another day.
I have been ghosted twice in my life. Once for a reason (unstated); although, ghosting was not acceptable in this situation. A second time by a serial ghoster who I now consider to have a complex with this. I had seen her ghost many, many people and I guess I thought I was immune? I was not.
The first time I was ghosted, I was ghosted by my high school sweetheart after we broke up in college when I stupidly got drunk and sent nudes around like holiday cards. So, I get it. But ghosting? We dated for two years and this (clearly sociopathic) dude one day said, "fuck you" and I literally never heard from him again. Not for 5 years. I deserved the break-up and the "fuck you," but to not receive any sort of closure from my first ever serious relationship? I figured I was broken. Not worth it. Easily made into trash to be thrown out. Something I still struggle with; feeling disposable.
The second time I was ghosted, the reasoning was unclear. She was my best friend, and I had seen her block people before? I thought it was a cute quirk until she did it to me. How it went down (on my end) was that I had reached out one day to ask if she was okay. I hadn't heard from her in a while (reasoning still unknown - but I think she was judging me for my lifestyle at the time) and I wanted to make sure she wasn't in a low spot. I was deemed condescending, was asked to give her space, and then was eventually blocked. I am still blocked. Is she over needing her space? I have no idea. Will she ever be back? Not sure.
To be fair, I had given her like two weeks of space before reaching out again. I probably should have waited for her to reach out? I may have crossed a boundary there; which, resulted in the block.
So, I was ghosted by two major players in my life so you can imagine the shock and pain that ensued. Of course, the fact that I've now been ghosted twice by people who genuinely loved me makes me question whether I'm the sociopath.
And so begins our look into what happens to someone psychologically when they are ghosted.
For starters, your brain floods with questions of why, how, and what. Why did they feel the need to go to such extremes? Am I really that much of a monster? How could they do this to me? How could someone who loves me so deeply, cut me so deeply? What can I do? Nothing. You can literally do nothing.
There's no option to talk-it-out. There's no option to reach out in the future when things have maybe settled a bit. You have absolutely no options when you've been ghosted. You are, quite literally, talking to a ghost. To a wall. To nothing.
And that nothingness has an echo that continues to blame you and put you at fault. Like I mentioned before, "ghosting" (boundary setting) is only acceptable when your safety is threatened. Did I threaten their safety? What about me was so scary that I got blocked? I must be a monster.
And you blame yourself for the extreme measures this person who was meant to care about you forever has taken. With my friend, I knew the reasoning behind why she would block people and among this logic were things like boredom, mild annoyance, and other mundane rationale. I don't think I could have named one person on her block list that truly deserved it. I've only ever blocked one person in my entire life and I gave them full reasoning for it. I did not ghost them. I let them know why (they were a threat to my safety), and I hit block. Dom? You're a fucking lunatic.
So, I guess I'll wonder forever just how easy it was for my friend to ghost me. Being that it was common practice for her, I'm sure it was nothing. And that really, really fucking hurts.
With my high school sweetheart, I've come to the conclusion that his love for me was a smoke-screen for just wanting attention and affection. He was not actually in love with me and I doubt he even knows what love really is even to this day. He thought he loved me, surely. He did not. He; classically, put me on a pedestal and the moment I slipped? I got ghosted. He didn't love me. He loved the idea he had of me in his head. I am not that girl. Never was. Never will be. He was dating a fantasy. It's easy to ignore daydreams.
And I think maybe something similar happened with my friend. She had previously had really shitty friends, so shitty that my basic decency was put on a pedestal. I guess I slipped with her too. I'm not perfect!!!! Shocker. Did I love and care about her fully? Was I fiercely loyal to her as my best friend? Would I have, for any reason, ever given her up? Yes, yes, and no. I guess she did not feel the same way about me. The moment I made a big life mistake? She bounced.
Ghosting is psychological warfare that can be slotted in with master manipulation tactics. The act of ghosting says many things to the ghostee:
This is over
Your input is not valued
I don't care about you
I don't respect you
I am the one with the power, not you
I am not at fault, you are
You deserve punishment
I deserve to give out that punishment how I see fit
You are disposable to me
This is not, or never was, equal
That's just for general situations. Imagine the amount of messages conveyed when it comes to specific ghosting situations.
My first experience:
I care more about my ego than this relationship
I care more about my ego than you
You don't deserve to explain yourself
My second experience:
You don't deserve an explanation
I don't care that I'm wasting your time while you wait for me
I don't need you as a friend
I don't want you as a friend
It's these things that stick with the ghostee. You are no longer wanted, needed, or valued. Maybe? you never were. You are equivalent to garbage; easy to get rid of and deserving of said riddance. You are a nobody to someone who once saw you as somebody; maybe even the somebody.
Ghosting is extremely unacceptable in all cases across the board. If you are someone who has been ghosted; I am very sorry and I most definitely feel for you. If you are someone who ghosts people? Maybe consider the actual fucking human being behind the wall of text.
It's not cute to impulsively block people just because you can. Just because it gives you some sense of control in your anxiety-ridden atmosphere. It's wrong, and it's sadistic. Stop ghosting people!! It's cowardly and sociopathic.
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