I used to believe that closure was owed to me. And that part is true, I do deserve closure when needed. Everyone deserves closure. My problem was that I also believed that people owed closure to me. I was 18 the first time I needed some high-level closure from my first serious relationship. My high school sweetheart thought otherwise. And he was right! That asshole denying me closure all those years ago was; in fact, right.
Closure is not found between people but on ones own in ones own time. I feel like this has been a huge misconception for years. That closure happens between people. It does not!
He owed me nothing in terms of closure. No person owes me closure. Closure is something that we can only find within ourselves. Even when we seek closure in others and have that conversation, we can leave continuing to feel things are still very much wide open. Sometimes, seeking closure opens things up even further than from where they started.
I would be so bold as to say that trying to find closure with another person is almost counterproductive.
The only closure I've ever been able to find for myself is when I've placed the blame on myself and seen the situation from the other persons perspective. I do this on my own during self-reflection. The best way I've ever found closure is by doing this. I already know how the other person has hurt me. I don't need them to take accountability for that to be my truth. That can be my truth in and of itself, period. The hard part of closure is taking accountability for yourself. In doing this, we grow.
On the flip side of this, you do not owe anyone closure. It is not your duty to lick the wounds of someone you've distanced from. Take your distance and take your space. Nothing you say will make them feel better. People who want closure just want accountability and confession. They can find that on their own.
I was livid when my ex had been so adamant that he owed me nothing. I had thought after the years we had spent together that I was owed a conversation about the entire thing. But geez guys, why? I knew where it went wrong. There's no need to dissect everything to get to the main point. We did not need to agree on the main point.
I believe he probably found his closure in his own version of the story where I was the villain and I was the villain. I can see that. But the only way I ended up the villain was because I was put on too high of a pedestal to begin with. Falling from a pedestal hits harder than if you just fall from a grounded place. He had made it impossible for me not to become the villain. I was a teenager and he thought I was an angel. It's not my fault that I made mistakes and he just couldn't handle that. I no longer believe he was ever in love with me because I don't think he knew the real me. He knew the version of me he had in his head. I couldn't live up to her and I won't ever apologize for that.
I will never apologize for not being the version of me that people have in their heads. It's not my job to fulfill the fantasies other people have of me.
In this particular scenario I had been drinking, blacked out, and sent a nude of myself around to some people. Yikes. I do not remember this. It was really hard for me to take accountability of that when I had no memory of it. I was shocked by it myself!
With time, I had concluded I absolutely sent those pictures. I hadn't had a passcode on my phone at the time and played with the idea that someone had gotten into my phone and sent them. I was adamant about that being the correct version of events. Knowing what I know now about myself, I absolutely sent those pictures. I love sending nudes! Drunk me probably thought that was a great idea. This would not be the last time I intoxicatingly sent nudes around. I was never in a monogamous relationship again, so no harm could ever come from my drunken habits. The same could not be said for my high school relationship. Whoops!
And that was my closure. I didn't need him to admit to how much pressure he had put on me. How impossible it was to be his girlfriend. It was a toxic relationship with hindsight. All my friends didn't like him. They had all begged me to dump him because of how controlling he was. I took offense and stopped talking to them. That was my fault. It was my fault that I didn't listen to the multitudes of people telling me I was in a controlling relationship.
And I was super jealous in this relationship too. As though his insecure energy was hitting me full-force and causing me to feel insecure. If he was that worried about me texting a boy then maybe I should be more worried about him texting girls. He obviously takes that way more seriously than I do...and the cycle perpetuated. I cared because he cared not because I cared.
I became someone I was not in order to be what he needed me to be. I don't often admit to regrets because I truly have none. I'm proud of my mistakes because I made sure to learn from them. If I could go back in time to the night I sent that nude, I'd whisper in my own ear to do it. And if 18-year-old Lily didn't listen, I'd do it myself. I needed out and the only way he wouldn't come back was to do something like this. I was deluded in love with him but for all the wrong reasons.
I will admit that I don't like that I ever became someone I was not in order to keep someone I loved happy. I won't ever do that again. I don't totally regret this because now I know for certain that it doesn't matter how hard you try; either they love you or they don't. This is the closest I've come to a regret. I wasted two years loving someone that a version of me loved. A version of me that does not exist.
So, yes, I was the villain here but thank god for that. It took the anti-hero in me to save myself from a toxic relationship. It was my own accountability here that gave me closure. Saying, "Okay, yes, I did that," was the first step to accepting the why and then later accepting the how as something very important to my own personal development.
I forgave myself and in doing that I found my closure. I thought I needed him to forgive me, but I didn't. I don't think I'd want someone like that ever having the power to absolve me of my own sins. I do that. And so can you.
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