Never in my life have I fallen for someone without feeling like a complete lunatic. It’s the same thing over and over it seems just with a different flavor. I’m incredibly lucky to fall in love as much as I have. In fact, I did twice this year alone. Seems outrageous, I know. Something might ACTUALLY be wrong with me here, don’t worry, I’ve considered it. But no, I’m just falling in love. And I’m not doing it alone. Which somehow makes me feel validated in it…
Who in the heck gets to meet 4 soulmates before the age of 30? Yes, I have gotten confirmed that I have in fact met 4, and yes the feeling was the same every time just slightly different. I will say, since learning how to love myself, falling in love is even more intense. Seems weird, right?
My theory here is that the more you love, the harder you love. Your love is like a muscle. It grows and expands as you meet new people and learn how to love properly. Love is in abundance. Your heart adjusts. I think learning to love myself caused my heart to grow in a way that allowed for the welcoming of truly falling in love and falling hard. My muscle got stretched, and it was desperate for more. Kind of like a little love addict! Thanks, heart.
And I am, a love addict. Which could be contributing to this definitely. I absolutely love, love. I think it’s one of the greatest things we can do as humans and it hurts my heart to see people limiting themselves on love. Thinking they don’t deserve it, or otherwise shutting down every possibility to love by being monogamous.
I know what it’s like to actually feel insane. I’ve been there. It’s quite magical actually. You’re on top of the world, everything is brighter, you’re the best thing there is, and everything is “just perfect.” Oh the delusions.
When I met soulmate #3 this past year I actually thought I was heading into an episode. I even tried to distance myself and “run.” Which was hard, we work together. So, I shoved it down and ignored it for 8 months only to find out he felt the exact same way upon meeting me. Cue all feelings of insanity all over again.
Limerence? Lust? Just insane amounts of chemistry fucking with my brain? Could not possibly be love. Again. He filled up every corner of my brain and drove me nutso with desire and longing. He was right there, but due to stupid earthly contracts (we have a past life contract together but that apparently means nothing when compared to human vows) I could not have him. Still can’t. We still work together and no it hasn’t gone away after over a year.
So, what did that feel like? It felt like power. Insane amounts of power. And not super hero powers. I didn’t suddenly become telepathic with him, but it was similar. We’re always “on the same wavelength” and I tend to “read his mind” when it comes to what he wants and needs in the work place. It’s easy to do my job because of it. I just KNOW him. I know how he’ll feel about something by just locking eyes with him. It’s creepy!! But powerful.
And falling for him made me lose my shit. Inwardly. I attempt very hard not to let any of that out. But I was dreaming about him, and thinking about him, and wanting to tell him absolutely every little thought that crossed my mind because I just wanted his opinions. On everything. I felt out of control. But I had to be very much in control due to the delicate situation. It was maddening.
Soulmate #4 is here and no, it did not take the heat off of #3. Again, my capacity to love expanded and again, my mind completely unraveled. We also have a past life contract. To take care of each other in our darkest moments. This is our 16th life together and we tend to get pretty romantic. Luckily for me, we’re both available! I can fully explore this option. Unluckily for me, he’s on the opposite coast.
And of course the feelings for each were different and the way I fell was not the same. One was very in-person and built up tension over a long time. The other was not, and happened fast and hard and free. Still, I felt like I was losing my mind. The only thing reminding me I wasn’t; the mutual feelings.
Love is fun don’t get me wrong, but dammit if it isn’t scary as hell too! Not because I don’t think it will work out. These things work themselves out in their own ways but my poor little brain! Flooded with oxytocin and god knows what else. It’s intoxicating. But that’s the worrisome part. I feel intoxicated. As fun as it is to be high like that, I eventually miss stability.
So, if you think you’re losing your mind; you probably are. We just like to call it falling in love.
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