I've touched on this thing called depression in a few of my posts but I thought it was high time we fully explored what this is and how it can affect the beautiful, brilliant human beings of planet Earth. Let's dive in!
I experience depression as a symptom of the mental health diagnosis I was given back in 2017, but I have experienced depression beginning circa 2007 when I first started menstruating (I did not commit the date to memory - who would??) as a symptom of a dysphoric disorder I was diagnosed with that would accompany that lovely time of the month. Yes, readers, every fucking month of my tiny little human life, I experienced a dysphoria that would come around, starting the week leading up to the floodgates parting and all way through to the damming back up of the aforementioned floodgates. From 2007 to 2013, when I started on medication for this depression, I spent half of every month, and by extension, half my life as an adolescent/teen/young adult inside this dysphoria.
This is not mentioned as a way to gain sympathy for my sad little girlhood existence, but to breathe life into some credentials I may have when breeching this subject. Experience, baby! I have it.
The way I experience depression is clinically labeled as more "severe" due to my 2017 diagnosis and of course, I have no idea what this means. It seems to suggest my depression is "worse" than the depression experienced by the majority of those with a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder. Regardless, I am going to detail, in my very own words, the specific experience of my depression in the event it is more in line with "typical" depression than what I have been led to believe.
I once described depression as an energy depletion, depriving the brain of any semblance of manna to pull from in order to do really any functioning whatsoever. I believe the metaphor was that of a fish out of water trying to find oxygen in an element that did not function with its biology; air. And this is true! But my brain is not a fish; instead, I refer to this phenomenon of my brain shutting down to it being plucked out of my head and thrown into "The Void." I'm not sure where it goes; I just know it is surrounded by darkness, floating in this darkness, breathing in darkness, and inevitably, coughing up this darkness. This is the perpetual state of The Void. And this is where the brain goes when the individual is depressed.
It's diabolical really, because it's the brains' own fault for shutting down in the first place. So, when the brain decides to flee to The Void, looking for a dark, quiet place to rest and the chance to recharge as it abandons our energy-depleted biological forms, it then becomes a case of the chicken and the egg. Does the The Void call out to the brain, shutting it down, and pulling the brain into itself? Or does this shutting down happen randomly, forcing the brain to fly into the endless darkness out of hope for some peace as it rests? Both! Haha! Fucking both.
And, what am I talking about? Triggers vs. Chemical Activity; Nature vs. Nurture.
When The Void calls out, the individual is being triggered by something in the environment (nurture) that causes the brain to panic, shut down, and leave, which then triggers chemical activity that backs this up, perpetuating the cycle. On the flip side, at moments doled out randomly, brain chemicals (nature) can act out in a similar panicking fashion, causing the brain to shut down and fly into The Void, triggering depression and still, perpetuating the cycle. This is obviously not very scientific at all, and I won't be scientific about this because I'm not a medical professional. This is my experience as one of these individuals whose brain has forged a relationship with The Void. Completely against my own wishes, mind you.
So, in my own experience, it is a mix of triggers and chemicals and I'm not all that sure which comes first or if it even matters because in the end, it is the same. My brain is shut down inside of a darkness that feeds on darkness and serves up darkness on a bleeding, goop-covered platter. A little known fact that I've most likely mentioned before, but for the sake of organizing everything into this post; the ability to recall gets shut down and diluted by this darkness. Memories? Distort into nightmarish recounts of your past.
Basically, you're already out of energy and feeling shitty and confused due to this lack of energy, but in the moments you try to recall those things that used to make you happy in an attempt to pull yourself out of The Void? Gone, distorted; twisted and changed. You are nothing and you now have nothing to suggest otherwise because all those pleasant memories that might have helped you in proving the current intrusive thoughts of darkness, bred from The Void, wrong, then serve to simply back these intrusive thoughts up instead. again, perpetuating the cycle.
Imagine it readers, your brain, surrounded by darkness, leaves you completely depleted of energy. The fact that you're even trying to recall what makes you happy is a miracle in itself because you have no energy to do that. But say you muster up enough strength to think just for a moment; all that is left in your empty shell of a head are messages from The Void where your brain is currently dwelling. These messages are memories of your past, but not the good ones, oh no! That would be too easy! You mustered strength for a moment? LOL too bad.
Too bad because all that's in there are the memories of your grief, your mistakes, your shame, your failures; that time you fucked up and lost friends, that time you disappointed your parents, that time you let your little sister down. And wow, wouldn't they all have just been better off not having met you in the first place? Surely, everyone would be much better off had you never existed, and now, better off without you moving forward!
Pause, though. Circle back to the confusion you now feel because of this energy depletion. You don't even know you are depressed. Nope! You have no freaking clue that your brain has fallen into The Void. There's no alarm system for that. So, when you start to have these thoughts, recalling your horrific past grievances explicitly, you are too confused to know that it is a case of depression rolling around again. You then believe these things. That's the rational thing to do; believe your thoughts and feelings, right?
Thank goodness for time passing.
They say that time heals and my goodness, they were spot on with that one. Time! It just goes and goes while you are stuck, trapped, and frozen inside of it while your brain deteriorates in The Void, feeding on darkness and regurgitating it. Which is why the individual inside depression says fucked up things. Like, true, horror-level, shit, fuckery is coming out of their mouths. They have no energy, they are trying to trust their own minds and hearts because the alternative is terrifying, and so when they do open their mouths? They pull from the only place where the energy seems to be; The Void.
This, of course, perpetuates the cycle further as we add arsenal to the already extensive list of grievances. Maybe we told you that we don't love you anymore. It's the truth. Not because we don't love you, but because we don't have the energy or the resources to experience that emotion; maybe we never did. That's what our memories seem to support. We are cut off from all the wonderful things in existence because our brains are floating around in the endless darkness of The Void.
But time! It will continue to click on without you and while this is anxiety-inducing at first, it is the only blessing.
All of a sudden a month has gone by; what have I been doing? When was the last time I showered? When was the last time I changed my clothes? Brushed my teeth? Listened to music? Went outside? OH! I'm depressed. And it finally clicks.
Relief floods in and it feels like hope after all that darkness swirling around. We can finally smell ourselves again and it's not good. We can finally stop feeling as confused, during which time, we come to the conclusion; finally, that we in fact, cannot trust our brains and our hearts. The intrusive thoughts? The damning reel of horror-show memories? It's the depression! DUH! And understand, at this point in time, we are not happy but - in the words of AJR - just Way Less Sad.
We have found a reason for the thoughts, memories, lack of energy, etc., and so we now can begin doing something about it. Maybe that's asking for help or checking ourselves into the hospital. Either way, hope pops up and we start feeding off that for a change. Our brain senses some evidence of life there and returns from its winter in The Void. We shower, and hey! Getting naked and wet wasn't as bad as it once seemed. We turn on a playlist of songs that make our hearts go ga-ga, and the sound of it? Not as loud and irritating as it had been before.
Time, folks; it surely does heal. So, yes, time is what one needs when it comes to depression. Time gives clarity and offers clues. So, wait! Just wait! It will pass, it always does. Eventually.
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