Grief is an interesting thing in that it is the evidence of an existing love that has been lost. It is the finality of a situationship that you no longer have access to. Be it in death or by block, grief is the aching longing left when all the love you have inside of you has no place left to go.
And the obvious answer here is: pour all that love back into yourself! Duh! But what if you've moved into the stages of grief and are currently stuck inside of denial?
We're looking at denial today as a form of delusional comfort!
I coined the term "centrifugal comfort" to describe the nature of comfort zones that are unhealthy to us. Like spinning around on a playground set that allows for the children to be pushed into the walls of the set. I do not know what these play sets are called. Imagine the teacup ride at the carnival where you spin the inner wheel to spin your entire teacup. This is centrifugal comfort.
We make these zones for ourselves by spinning that wheel and we think the faster we spin it, the better. We're used to this feeling; although uncomfy, it is familiar. In reality, you're just getting more and more pressed into the wall. Talk about a suffocating trap!
And denial is a form of comfort that can be unhealthy. Denial allows us to shift blame, change the narrative, or otherwise fog up the facts of the case to be in our favor. You are grieving a lost love, and so instead of accepting that they do not love you the way you love them, you deny this into becoming, "they love me, they just can't show it right now."
Oh boy.
And this is comforting. To blame other subconscious blocks that may or may not exist instead of facing the truth of the matter that you have been rejected. And the wilder your imagination, the deeper your delusional denial can be.
Acceptance is the final stage of really everything. Radical acceptance is for those of us blessed by the gods. I've tried this: "radical acceptance." It is an inner peace that gently whispers, "it is what it is" to everything! But this is comforting somehow.
To be in a place where I can throw my head back, giggle, and wave things off saying, "it is what it is" will validate to me that I've finally found peace. Maybe I do a hair flip too, who knows! This version of me is confident I assume.
But there are stages in between the onset of grief and the final acceptance and they suck!! They're terrible, and anyone in their right mind would actively choose denial over them; at least I do. Because inside denial, I have control. In the next stage of grief? That control goes right out the window.
Anger. The stage after denial is anger and no one likes to be angry. Okay, let me rephrase that. No one likes to deal with the consequences of their anger. The self-righteous justice of anger in the moment? Feels fantastic.
But I'll choose denial. I know there will be consequences to me raging around the city, stomping my feet, and screaming to the heavens how very unfair this whole thing is! So, I build a world inside my head where everything is fair, and right, and perfect. Because perfection only exists inside our own delusions.
And the perfection in the details of our denial brings comfort and hope. Anger? Not so much. Then to have to move on to bargaining (hello desperation!), depression (I am dying), to finally reach acceptance? Again, I'll hide out in my denial delusions over putting myself through the emotional ringer.
But that means skipping out on ever accepting the truth. And hey, I've been tempted to live in my fantasy world built up by my own personal perceptions and experiences. I could take all the facts that support my case and throw out the rest until the "truth" sits right with me. But it is no longer a truth and this is where you've completely fucked yourself.
Lying to others is one thing, but lying to yourself is diabolical. You'll feel insane when you've reached the day you actual believe the lie over the memory. Both exist in your brain at this point; you choose the delusion because it's prettier. And you've been feeding the delusion so much that the memory fades. Memories are fallible unfortunately and you can in fact lie your way into believing what you want. Believing what fits your cookie cutter version of events. Fine, but be warned.
It's absolutely shite that you have to work through the anger, resentment, and betrayal you feel before then becoming a needy, desperate, and quite pathetic version of yourself when pleading with the demons of the underworld (because no one else has been answering at this point - fuck it!) to bring back your version of events. Just to end up a shivering, slimy ball of tears and snot for all eternity until......acceptance hits.
Acceptance feels like waking up on your birthday, but forgetting it's your birthday at first because you're sleepy, to then remember, oh my god it's my birthday!
That is what acceptance feels like. It feels like remembering there's a party yet to come.
It's a relief like you would not believe. It makes you sing louder in the car even with the windows down. You'll start hearing little trumpets sounding whenever your heart lights up. It's been so damn long since that happened even the angels are playing their instruments.
But you can't get there if you're stuck inside the delusion you created in your state of denial.
Don't condemn yourself to live inside your delusion simply because it brings a shadow of comfort. A hint of reprieve. You know it's a lie. It'll hit you eventually....go through the stages and be patient with yourself.
What have you been in denial about lately? Have you trapped yourself inside of it? This is your sign to STEP OUT! And of course, good luck ;)
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