Sexuality! We've arrived at a very fun topic, I think! It was about time we touched on this subject. To anyone out there exploring their sexuality, this one is for you!
I've dubbed this one of my Opinion Pieces because I have opinions about my own sexuality; not that sexuality is an opinion. Just to clear that up.
I do not so much care for labels; in fact, they suffocate me. Any time someone has tried slapping a label on me, I've fought it. I've come to the conclusion that the reason I'm so averse to being labeled is because I don't actually want anyone to be able to pin me down. I don't want to fit inside the outline of a buzzfeed quiz. Gives way for assumptions and stereotypes to be made about you, I think. I do not subscribe to any of the labels placed upon me; however, I do agree with being called an abisextrocity.
What is an ambisextrocity you might ask? It would be a good question seeing as I coined the term. Patent pending.
As a throwback to the great Tallulah Bankhead who once dubbed herself ambisextrous in place of bisexual or pansexual; I, too, dub myself as such. However, I'll go a step further and admit to being the not-so-great negative cliche of bisexuals everywhere. I'll admit to it; I'm the problem. So was born the ambisextrocity of the modern era; Beth.
I just don't care! That's the thick and thin of it, people. I don't have a preference. A preference for parts or faces or physiologies. There is no manual to my "type" of lover. Once upon a time I think you could notice a pattern in my lovers, but that since has changed. I've had lovers from all walks of life and throughout all ages. I don't care if you're tall or short, thick or thin, blonde or brunette, white or black, a he, she, or they! I just don't mind, not one bit.
What I do mind? Your personality. So, does that make me demisexual? Maybe a bit. Officially? I fall under a few categories when it comes to sexuality. I care about intelligence, but of the emotional kind. I care about having similar core values; for example, full access to women's healthcare (which...who the fuck out there still doesn't support women's health? You freak! Fix it! Fix it now!).
Some of the sexual labels I've accepted into my identity include demisexual, autosexual, bisexual, and hypersexual. So, we'll take a look at those!
One thing that has confused me a bit is how my bisexuality and autosexuality play with each other. Which came first? Am I attracted to myself because I'm also attracted to women? Or am I attracted to women because I find myself attractive and I; myself, am a woman? Or do they not play into each other at all? I'm not sure! Furthermore; does it matter to me?
I do feel a bit like a bisexual imposter which I think makes me perfectly bisexual. I think any current bisexual out there hasn't actually felt a part of the gay community at some point in their journey. It comes with the territory. The collective gays (not all of them - obviously) tend to gatekeep their safe spaces from the bisexuals, why? We simply can't be trusted. For a few ridiculous and heinous reasons.
We will abandon you for the other sex at any given random moment in time
We're polyamorous and have commitment issues
"You're just gay"
"This is a phase"
We're just selfish and greedy and like attention and sex
We don't struggle the same way because we can hide in our heterosexuality; why do we need the protection they do?
Okay, we've all heard it before. And to every bisexual out there; I apologize. I believe I may be the reason these misguided assumptions are made about the entire group. You see, I am polyamorous. I do have commitment issues. I've considered before that I may just be a lesbian with severe daddy issues. Maybe I'm just gay. I've only been in one gay relationship and I did leave her for a heterosexual one - was it a phase? I do like attention and sex. Being hypersexual kind of makes that impossible to get rid of; the liking of sex. I love it!
Anyway, this is why I consider myself an ambisextrocity. I am the nightmare bisexual with an accumulation of influencing factors. Don't blame the entire bi community for my personal mental health problems. Not having a preference doesn't mean we need everything all at once; that's insane.
Say the norm was to prefer chocolate cake or vanilla cake. But you can't decide! Does that mean you eat chocolate and vanilla together at every sitting? No, you only need one slice of cake. Most bisexual people only want one slice of cake at a time just like you! Being polyamorous is not mutually exclusive and it damages our own perspectives of ourselves.
So, if; like me, you are bisexual and confused about it? Don't worry, that's how it feels to be bisexual. You're always confused. Welcome to the club.
I kind of love the existence of the bisexual/pansexual. It closes the age-old argument of, "Can men and women be friends?" which we had all thought the battle was won for "no" but then come the bisexuals. Do we not have friends? Are we incapable of the platonic? That would be silly. If you're wondering whether you can be friends with the "type" you're attracted to? Remember the bisexual.
So, what did it feel like to discover I was bisexual and when did it happen? I have several memories to support this claim.
For starters, I knew it by the time I was in middle school. I hadn't really considered the sexual realm before then; although, had I, I'm sure I would've figured it out sooner. It's just who I am!
The thing that most clued me into my varying sexuality was my differing perspective from my other girl friends. Has anyone ever noticed that the way men and women view men and women is completely fucking different? The human male view of the woman is not at all equal to the human female view of women. The girls my girl friends were finding to be "pretty" were not equal to the same type of girl my guy friends were finding "pretty" and I must say, I agreed more with the guys.
It's the difference between early 2000's Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus. All the girls know that Taylor is objectively pretty. She's beautiful! But the guys prefer Miley. I really can't explain it? It's a vibe. Heterosexual women find the ideal look to be that of Taylor's but the heterosexual man circa 2007 would've picked Miley every time. I also had a Miley preference. This confused me.
I could not agree with my girl friends on who they thought was pretty, but I could get on board with my guy friends when they would discuss women. Was I a lesbian? It's funny, everyone in high school used to call me a closeted lesbian. I have no freaking idea why! Okay, maybe a little had to do with me kissing all my girl friends whenever drunk but I digress.
Either way, there I was in middle school, agreeing with the objectivity of the male gaze; yikes! What did this mean? Enter Tila Tequila and I had my answer.
Unbeknownst to my parents, I would absolutely sneak into the basement in my youth to watch Tila Tequila; A Shot at Love. I loved it! I wonder why.
Also, boobs.
And that was the beginning of my bisexuality! Onto autosexuality...
I am autosexual too! What the heck? You think, picturing me fucking cars. Nope! It's me being attracted to myself. Picture me with me. Okay, now I'm a little hot.
And that's how it happens. I think anyone who masturbated before their first partnered sexual encounter might be a bit autosexual. I think that's what did it for me. I was djing downstairs long before anyone was invited to join. So, my performative sexual experiences only included myself. I think for most people - horny teenage boys excluded - the opposite is the case. I remember buying all my girl friends vibrators my freshman year of college having been shocked at the news that none of them knew how to dj and were too ashamed and embarrassed to try. 1/8 girls was still a virgin.
This is just my own assumption about myself. I'm not sure what leads a person to be turned on by themselves. I think maybe it's healthy? (I hope so, anyway) I think maybe we should all be a little autosexual. It definitely gives me all the confidence in the bedroom. Mostly? I'm just focusing on myself when we're together; whoops! No offense...
And that's not to say I'm not paying attention to you too. If any of my lovers are reading this, just know; you did turn me on too. Well, not you, Drew. That was the worst encounter I've ever had. Sorry to put you on blast, but it's the truth. What a mess. I'm sure you agree.
And then there's hypersexuality. This isn't revved up all the time although for the majority of us, I think that may be the case. Mine comes in seasons. Typically, I'm most "on" in the Spring. Something about the Spring, man. I'm a loose canon out there once the sun comes back, woo!
And hypersexuality is hard, right? No one cares about sex like you do, no one wants to talk about it as much as you do, and not everyone wants to fuck you. It's really sad. Until you realize you're hypersexual, you assume pretty much everyone is thinking about sex all the time so you shoot your shot whenever you can. Don't do this. Chill the fuck out, buddy.
Is hypersexuality a sexuality? No, it doesn't inherently make you gay or straight. But neither does demisexuality. Maybe they are complexes of sexualities? Unsure. But isn't that the brilliance of sexuality? It's almost unproductive to give yourself just one label. To label yourself at all. Sexuality is an umbrella and it evolves as we evolve. It's a journey; sexuality. Not a choice, not an opinion, and not a hard and fast rule. Play with it! I mean, it's sex, right? Have fun!
This has been a recap of my own personal experience with my own sexuality. I do not speak for anyone else AT ALL. We're all very unique. Not every bisexual, demisexual, autosexual, or hypersexual human has experienced their sexuality in the way I have.
Regardless, I am valid. So are you! I'm sure my view of my own sexuality will change with age but at this moment in time? These are my findings thus far.
Comments