Affection vs. Favors

If you have to ask for it, it's not affection.

I'll repeat that; if you're asking for affection, it is no longer labeled affection. It then becomes a favor and I'll tell you why.

Affection and attention are interesting because everyone wants these things but it's almost taboo to ask for them. It's embarrassing even! To have to ask your partner for their attention. The moment you have to ask for these things they become favors. That is why you still feel so shit after they've given you "affection." It's because it's not really affection and that feeling of "owing" them back? Is evidence this is no longer a show of affection.

Affection is something that comes naturally and at random. You feel it in your chest when you look at someone you love. It makes you blurt out romantic things. "You're just so fucking cute it should be illegal." That is affection. Rubbing your partners shoulders after they sigh is affection. Whenever you do something to care for your partner or friend, you are showing affection. It could be as simple as getting your partner a water because you're getting yourself one!

Affection is doled out for no reason and with no purpose other than I-can't-keep-this-in-I-love-you-so. If you're not naturally hit with feelings of "ahhhh! this is my favorite person!" at random throughout the relationship, you don't hold affection for this person. You just like them or like being around them.

It really does feel like you're going to burst with affection when it hits you. Never experienced that feeling with your partner? You're probably in a cycle of faux-affection that now falls under the category of favor. When affection is transformed into favor it becomes tedious. You may even start subconsciously keeping score. Affection does not tally up points. Favors do.

Affection works and feels good because of the nature of surprise associated with it. Like getting flowers sent to your work, or coming home to a clean kitchen. It's not the same when you've been telling your partner for days to clean up their dishes and they finally do. There isn't even that much relief associated with that. And you now feel like you owe them something in return when in reality, they should be taking care of their own dishes without you having to ask. Do you see the difference?

It feels good to receive affection because it's an "extra" to your day. Affection should be a part of every partnership and is not an extra bonus, but when done right, it feels like one! You should feel like a special king or queen whenever you're fed affection. Asking for it? Makes you feel needy and unloved. Right off the bat. It can even make you feel pathetic to have to ask for affection. It's a really sad place to be in.

And the cycle of affection-favors just burns both parties out, right? One partner is under the impression they're giving affection every time you ask for it. They're set! But not really. They're doing favors. They still haven't given affection. And the partner needing affection burns out because although "affection" is given when asked, they don't feel the depth of it and it drives them nuts. This is why! It's not affection when you have to ask for it!

If you're wondering why you're feeling an affection-void despite your partner showing "affection" when asked; ask yourself: when was the last time they showed affection without a prompt?

You're not crazy for feeling unfulfilled by your partners affection if you keep having to ask for it. That is no longer affection at all.