Out of guilt, anger, and disappointment, I think the emotion I most struggle to accept is disappointment.
I can rule out anger simply because my anger tends to feel extremely righteous as I believe is the case with most people. When anger bubbles up inside me, I have no problem with questioning it at all. I immediately accept it and try to change something. I have had difficulty throughout my life with what I do with my anger, but I have since overcome this. Either way, it was never a question of accepting it. I always accept it; pretty immediately.
I don’t think I could talk about accepting disappointment without mentioning my acceptance of feeling guilt. I have no problem accepting the feeling of guilt; I often feel guilty and negatively accountable in some way for some reason. So, this is not a situation of acceptance but more of how accepting I am with feeling disappointment and that then being associated with feeling guilty about it.
I do not like to feel disappointed especially when it comes to people. It makes me feel bad or like I’m guilty of making the other person sad by expressing my disappointment. So, I certainly struggle most with accepting disappointment because of my innate ability to deeply feel guilt.
I think I often skip over disappointment and go straight to something larger so as to assuage my own guilt for feeling disappointed. For example, I had reached out to someone from my past about being a mentor of sorts and was, all-in-all, rejected. Which wasn’t entirely true. Their plate was too full, and they presented the option for email check-ins in place of a full-on “directionship” as they called it. So, not a total rejection, but I took it this way instead of just feeling disappointed by the outcome.
I did not like the use of a “plate being full” as an excuse because it made me feel like a burden whether that was the original intention or not. I do this so that I don’t have to feel guilty for being generally “upset” in any way. Instead of accepting that I was disappointed in the response (which made me feel guilty), I transformed this into some sort of rejection/abandonment case so that I could validate the feeling of “upset” within me.
If I am being rejected or abandoned, it is fine for me to be upset. If I am just disappointed, my feelings may not be as valid. As though disappointment registers on a smaller scale than feelings of rejection and abandonment. As though I am allowed to have an emotional response to things like rejection and abandonment but not to disappointment.
I think it goes back to my foundational beliefs about disappointment. I believe disappointment comes about due to our proclivity to project expectations. I can’t be disappointed if I didn’t expect anything! Right? But maybe I need to adapt this in order to feel valid in feeling upset by the feeling of disappointment. I need to know it’s not my fault because if it is – it is my fault I had expectations in the first place – then my disappointment is no longer valid.
I internalize my disappointment and make it into something I am accountable for. This then means I can let it go and move on because I’d rather not carry the guilt of projecting things onto a person or situation that led to this disappointment. But maybe I need to consider that disappointment is not the result of having expectations. Or having ridiculous expectations. I need to get to a place where I feel it is okay to have expectations and that it is okay to then feel disappointed when my expectations are not met.
I just have a few gripes with some areas of expectations. This is my issue. I personally do not like it when people have expectations of me. I think it’s too much pressure, and that those expectations are none of my business or responsibility in any way. It is not my responsibility to live up to the pedestal version of myself that exists in the fantasies of other people. So, I will not do this to others.
However, I like to think that I believe it is okay to have expectations of those closest to you pertaining to the relationship dynamic as a whole. For example, I expect my primary partner to be affectionate and it is then okay for me to be disappointed in a lack of affection. But this also needs to be defined on a scale of expectations versus the resulting disappointment.
Do I expect affectionate behavior in my primary partner every day? If I expect this every day; how many times do I expect to be shown affection in any given day? Did I communicate this with my primary partner?
If I did not communicate that I expect affection from my primary partner every day to this specific partner, can I be disappointed in the lack of affection in the times that I need or want it? Probably not. So, then I cannot be validated in my disappointment because there was never a conversation about expectations.
On top of that, I then formulate a sub-belief about expectations and disappointment in that these expectations can only be valid in my sector of disappointment if and only if I have previously stated these expectations with clarity.
So, now I have to consider if I am communicating my own expectations in a way that is effective to feel valid in my disappointment when my expectations are not being met.
Or do I consider that there is no relationship between expectations and disappointment? I don’t know that I could get there, but then what leads to disappointment if not expectations? This is something that I would need to deeply consider because I’ve held the belief about this relationship for years now. This relationship between expectations and disappointment.
I think it is easier to feel disappointment when it comes to work, jobs, and career as opposed to the disappointment I feel inside interpersonal relationships. There are set expectations in a workplace that are often communicated either through the employee handbook, a meeting with the manager, or between colleagues on email chains. They are recorded typically, and you can pull from these records the expectations that are then valid to feel disappointment over when they are not met.
And this is less personal right? Being disappointed in a manager for not communicating in a meeting the thing that is most important to communicate on is perfectly acceptable to me because it does not necessarily reflect upon the manager in a personal way but can be reflected upon their skills as a manager. This is less personal because this person – while being a manager – may not see their job title as a part of their being. If their job is their be-all-end-all definition of themself, this response of disappointment then becomes much more personal.
I think I feel guilty about feeling disappointed mostly because it seems too personal? I don’t believe my expectations of people are that personal. But people tend to take disappointment directed at them as something very personal and I am aware of this. When someone is disappointed in me, I chalk it up to them having unrealistic expectations of the person I am or the things I am capable of as a human being.
I think the major overarching issue with my acceptance of disappointment in others is that I am not sure where it comes from; I am not sure how personal it is, and I am unsure if these factors – the foundations of this disappointment – are valid at all. Which then becomes a cycle of validity, expectations, and disappointment.
When I think of being disappointed in you, I don’t like it. I don’t like it when people expect things of me, so I don’t think it’s right for me to expect things of people i.e. you. You were in no position for me to project expectations on you, but I had them anyway. I can’t be disappointed that you let down my expectation of you because it was unfair to have these expectations. My disappointment then becomes invalid to feel.
But I am disappointed in you. Regardless of intentions of having expectations, I had them. For whatever reason. It is okay that you have disappointed me. Is it okay that I share that with you? “You disappoint me” seems severe.
You do not disappoint me, but I am disappointed by you. I think I need to keep my disappointment to myself in most cases because it’s not your fault; it’s mine for placing expectations on you. But this is my original thinking coming back; perpetuating this cycle of validity, expectations, and disappointment.
I land in a place of guilt about it before landing in a place of acceptance allowing me to let go and then to move on and further away from this feeling. Does this mean I shove down my disappointment? I belittle it into a “me” problem, and ignore it? Not sure.
I can accept that I am disappointed without needing to place blame, I suppose. It is not your fault, but it’s not my fault either. I’m just disappointed. By you. And that is neither here nor there; it just is. And so, now I can let this go.
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