Having biological kids is first and foremost, quite the miracle. Congratulations to those of you with kids, here's to hoping the good moments outweigh the bad this year!
I'm going to sound like a broken record here, but I'd like for it to be said. The decision to have children, to bring a literal soul into this plane, is a huge fucking deal. Arguably the biggest fucking deal ever. I reject that it is a stepping stone, and I reject that it's meant for everyone. So, why do we just see people having kids, and then maybe having even more, when they have absolutely no business lording over another life let alone their own. Part of this is due to a severe lack of education. I mean, severe. I am still learning things about pregnancy and having children, and I expect I will continue to for the rest of my life. This was not taught to me in school, but found out on the internet!
People don't talk about this stuff because it's "icky." I mean, my husband still gets praised by any witness to him buying me tampons at the store. It's supposed to be hush hush! How very brave he is! *rolls eyes*
So, let me just fill you in on some things before you go off deciding raising kids is for you. Firstly, this is by far the hardest thing you will do in your life, this is the most important job title you will ever hold in your life, and this is the biggest commitment you will ever make in your life. Far more committal than marriage. So, at the very least, you could probably use with some perspective on the situation before finding yourself following the stepping stones of life. Jump off the path people! Marriage and kids? Jobs? So, so strange that we ever put importance on these things, but I digress.
I would be remiss not to mention the fact that federally, abortion is now illegal. Basic healthcare for women in gestation is actually fucking illegal. Did you know abortion only accounts for 3% of the services done at planned parenthood? 1 in every 33 babies is born with a birth defect. That's about 120,000 babies. In 2020, when abortion was legal, there was a maternal mortality rate of 17.4 in 100,000 pregnancies. I can't even find statistics on how many women were saved by abortion. We literally do not have the knowledge and it's total propaganda. Abortion is a necessary healthcare procedure that should be available to any pregnant woman, and we just don't have it some places anymore. This alone, should scare the shit out of you and make you rethink having children...
So, now you may not have the option to save your own life, your wife's life, etc. That option is gone. It's all about baby now. And now you don't have the option to abort simply because you can't handle having a child with a birth defect. Trisomy 21 affects 1 in every 800 babies. 800!! I've worked with kids on the spectrum, and they are lovely souls. But I am human enough to admit that that is a level of care I am unqualified for on a lifetime, 24-hour basis. I just can't! Can I really afford to risk that now? I really don't think so...
Before making the solid decision to bring a whole other human life into the world that you alone are responsible for, consider the human they could be. Can you handle a child with birth defects? With mental, emotional, or physical disabilities? What about your kids gender and sexuality? There is a very real possibility your child is born in the wrong body. Do you have the tools to help them navigate the world? The empathy to show nothing but love and support?
Maybe your child is a sociopath and kills the family cat. Do you really have the money to put them up somewhere nice for the rest of their lives? Point blank, are you willing to risk this seemingly 18-year commitment turning into a lifetime? And this could be caused by something before birth or after. What are you going to do if your child one day becomes a vegetable. Are you prepared for that? Will you be able to emotionally handle the death of your child? Ask yourself these questions!! If the answer is no, and it might be, then consider that kids might not be for you.
And that is okay!! It is wonderful, in fact! Being child-free is a choice many people make whether related to medical reasons or not! Sometimes, we need to accept that our souls just aren't ready to take on the responsibility of an entire other soul. You have to be a pretty special and selfless person to pull this off, in my opinion. And some of us are not! Do not fret, you are normal. In the end, this journey is about you! If having kids makes it so it's not enough about you, don't have them! No biggie!
And I've explored both options. Which, I should state, are not the only options. Fostering and Adoption are also on the table for those of you meant to be parents but without working parts! I think I align more with being child-free as I don't have the emotional discipline to not freak the fuck out when I'm angry - I'm working on it though. Eventually, I hope to get to a place where I'm excited to have kids, and I think I've found my perfect option! Fostering!
If you're struggling with the idea of becoming a parent, you are not alone. Here are some reasons I'm considering not having children:
The physical toll - this is absolutely insane people. What the female body goes through to have a baby is fucking bonkers and it absolutely blows my mind to know it's pretty much just expected. WHAT. I turned to Reddit to get the low-down on what it was like to be pregnant. I asked for the surprising side effects as well as the magical pregnancies. Let me tell you, those women? Are not happy. They JUMPED at the opportunity to complain, finally having a chance to let it all out there; and oh, did they let it all out. From your nipples changing colors, to your ribs pushing against your lungs making it impossible to breathe. From the weight you gain to the constipation and bloating you endure. "Morning sickness"? yeah, that shit lasts all day. You feel hungover all day, every day for an entire trimester. You get weird vivid dreams including nightmares. Acid reflux, back pain, insomnia, burping, carpal tunnel syndrome, pelvis popping, blurry vision, swelling; everywhere, hemorrhoids, exhaustion. The list definitely goes on, but you get it. Can't breathe, can't poop, can't eat, can't walk! For 9 months! No thank you.
The mental toll - Some women reported dissociation with the way their body was changing so rapidly. I cannot experience this, it freaks me out!! Also, first tri anxiety is very real. I, personally, would have to go off some medicine that I find life-saving. Can I really handle that for 9 months? I will absolutely have post-partum depression. I just know it (fortune telling - cognitive distortion hehe!) I won't have been on my anti-depressant, and a big life change? Could send me spiraling.
The commitment - Whether you want to acknowledge this or not, this is much more than an 18-year commitment. This is for lifetime, baby. I just don't do well with this. The idea of committing to something? Weird. I have no idea how I'll feel tomorrow so why am I declaring something for a lifetime?
The cost - The cost of having a child these days is stupidly astronomical. I just do not see a future in where I can continue to live comfortably AND have children. It's just not possible.
Some reasons I do want to have children include: I get fomo, I would not want to miss out on this adventure. I really want to be a mom. I want to see what me and my husband look like together!
I just don't find these reasons to be good enough just yet. Maybe if I work through my reservations about my own emotional discipline, I'll see it more as a possibility. But for now, it simply is not. So, before deciding to have kids, don't forget to ask the important questions! Consider all the outcomes! And if at the end of the day you want to be child-free? Fuck yeah! There is a Reddit page for that too and the people in that community freaking love their lives. Don't worry over children, they simply are not meant for everybody! Maybe the majority of us... :)
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