I have a lot to say about children. I've decided to break this Opinion Piece into two pieces! First, I'd like to touch on my own personal philosophy to raising the little munchkins. I'll then touch on just how big of a decision it is to have them in the first place!
I'll start by defining children and what they mean to me. I have the highest opinion of children. I think in most cases when compared to an adult, they win. Children are not only chalk-full of magic, they're super intelligent, observant, and impressionable. So impressionable that they have a proclivity for learning and exploring. They are the most open-minded individuals whose only real weakness is believing their parents are right about everything. I truly believe children tend to have the best ideas and are naturally innovative. Children are absolutely better than adults in every way. Which is probably why we try and oppress them all the time. Please stop doing this.
I do not have children of my own and have never been a biological mother. Which is not to say I've never interacted with a child. I have. I interact with them on a daily basis. However, my opinions are pre-children if I ever decide to have them. Maybe I will update this post once I've had them.
My first opinion that I am pretty adamant about is this; children deserve respect. Throw away the trope "respect your elders" what does this even mean? Bottom line, the only people receiving my respect are the ones who deserve it. Let me tell you, more often than not, a child is more deserving of my respect than an elder. Respect the youth. They are the clean slate, they deserve our respect. I really believe respect should be given freely, but taken away calculatedly. By the time you're an elder? You've probably lost my respect! Haha!
Children more often than not are kinder, more empathetic, and baseline happier. Their outlook on life is so horrifically positive at this point in time that we truly should be seeking counsel from children. We totally master happiness as children and with time lose it. If you forget happiness? If you're looking for guidance on how to be happy? Ask a child.
The world beats us down and all of a sudden our glass half full looks a lot emptier. Get the perspective of a child! I am not lying when I tell you they are literally filled with magic. If anyone can find the silver lining to your situation, it's a child.
My second opinion is this; they can handle it. No, I'm not talking about trauma; although, children are resilient!! And do survive trauma sometimes more eloquently than adults do. I'm talking about the facts of life. They can handle it. Maybe talking politics at age 5 would be a bit much, and anyway, they need to form their own political opinions apart from you. But cluing them in to how the world works, and certain injustices, and being honest about the struggles they may face won't scare them. In fact, it will start to "normalize" it for them. They will become accustomed to it and able to recognize it as opposed to living in ignorance.
"But 'Ignorance is Bliss', Lily!"
Oh, I knooooooow...I was there. I lived in the bliss of ignorance for far too long. I didn't know shit. If I had a choice, I would have wanted to know about the world much earlier than what I did.
I remember a time one of my crushes absolutely blew my mind by shutting me the hell down. It went sort of like this:
Circa 2008
"Climate change isn't real," I said indignantly, "it's a political ploy to win the election."
"Oh, because your daddy says so?" my crush replied.
Needless to say I immediately turned red, something I've always been cursed with; deep, deep blushing. I mean, yeah! Yeah, because my dad said so, was that not good enough anymore?
No, I was supposed to have done my own research and formed my own opinion, but there I was looking like an absolute ass because I had nothing to back that up except for the very argument he was making fun of! Shit. So, I did do my own research, and yikes! My dad was wrong! Blew my mind.
Climate change didn't scare me, it made me want to do something about it. I joined the science club at school and helped instate recycling in every classroom while also winning the county science fair that year. It felt good.
Kids like to be involved in the world, it's their favorite thing to do! Maybe letting them engage with what's really going on around them, you can prevent them sneaking out late at night to find out for themselves! So, educate them; fucking properly. Tell them everything when they ask. Don't lie. kid's know when you lie. They're much smarter than you think; much.
Which brings me to my third opinion; there is absolutely no need to lie to kids. If it's none of their business, then simply state that! "It's too personal honey, I'm sorry, could we maybe talk about it when you're older?" "This is something I need to keep to myself, can you please respect that?" "It's not my story to share," "I'm not the right person to answer that question." Because, people, sometimes we're just not. For instance, I know if my child comes to me asking about certain cultures or religions that I haven't had the pleasure to yet study and learn from, I would absolutely find someone who had and have them answer my child's questions if it was appropriate to do so.
But to lie? And please, correct me if I'm wrong. I've been in situations where I've felt I had to lie to a child, but that's because the child was not my child! It was not my place to tell them such a big truth. But still, I think I deflected as opposed to lying. Children know. And those little "white lies" that aren't so bad, are big in their tiny little world where you are probably their most important person. It's a big deal! Why would you want to risk losing their trust over something silly. Again, feel free to comment with a time where it's appropriate to lie where the importance of the lie outweighs the risk of losing their trust. Because, again, they can handle it. Because to me? You're probably lying out of laziness. Explain it to them! They deserve respect!
My fourth opinion; just say yes. I don't mean to every toy in the store they touch, but their adventures, explorations, and activities? Just say yes. Let them at least try it no matter what it is! And no, I wouldn't ever suggest you encouraging drug use if they were to bring home a substance such as heroin. Although, weed, molly, acid, mushrooms? I'm talking after their brains have fully formed. I firmly believe in that - only try mind-altering substances once your brain is 100%; ya never know, maybe you have a mood disorder in where doing drugs would be dangerous for you! But wouldn't you rather be the safe space for them as opposed to them going off and doing stupid shit with strangers in college?
Anyway, as children, let them explore. Encourage the belief that all the doors are open for them so that later in life when they encounter a door closing, or a door already closed to them, they'll assume that door is defective! Not a product of anything they did. Their instinct will be to find the next open, working door. Much better reaction than feeling defeated and possibly giving up.
By exploring absolutely everything, and maybe dropping some - because yes, some things just won't be meant for them and that doesn't make them a quitter; remember, they're an explorer! - they'll be that much closer to learning more about themselves and getting comfortable with their own company and; inevitably, loving themselves. Amazing!
My fifth opinion; give those kiddos some choices!!! Turn demands into decisions in where their 2 cents matters; they'll respond much more positively. All kids want to do is have control over their own worlds; unfortunately, they live under your house and under your rules. Although I don't believe in many rules other than you respect me and I respect you; an umbrella phrase with the inclusion of the boundary that you are the parent and they are the child - that is part of the respect you deserve from your child.
But give them the opportunity to make decisions about the things they do. If it's time to clean the house and they're in charge of their room, try this:
"Hey, it's our day to clean! Did you want to have breakfast first? Or take a break with breakfast?"
Already you're not even demanding a start time, giving them flexibility. They may be the type to want to reward themselves, choosing to take breakfast as a mid-cleaning break. Maybe they're just not a morning person and would rather fuel up first! Both acceptable ways to start your cleaning day while promoting autonomy and enforcing the rules - cluing them into what the day will be without immediately springing it on them; unless, of course, they so choose! ;)
Do you need to leave the house and they won't stop playing with toys? Try this:
"Hey, did you want to pick which umbrella we're taking with us today? I have two jackets for you to choose from, too!"
Giving them a responsibility in the form of a choice will encourage them to move on to that. People like taking on responsibilities when they're appreciated and acknowledged for them! You can then encourage they clean up before deciding by slipping in,
"Oop! Do you think maybe we should clean up our toys first so that we'll be organized for next time?" (Because by now, you've already enforced the belief that a cluttered space is a cluttered mind! And good mental health is an important part of life!)
Okay, so they might choose no here if they aren't big into decluttering, in that case, maybe there's a higher rule of the household you can implement. An exception to the option of a choice. "Do we have guests coming?" If the answer is no; honestly? Screw it, they'll probably be right back to playing when you get back home and if not, then definitely bring up picking them up again as maybe a rule is "we don't go to bed with messes out" and if they're "done for the day" it's time to pick up.
If the answer is no and you just don't have it in you to say screw it? Dangle the possibility of bringing a friend/guest home after your errand, "But we can't bring any friends home after *insert errand* then, okay?" Just the possibility of running into a friend and being able to ask if they can come home might be enough to get them to clean.
Either way, give them choices. Time for bed? Do they want to brush their teeth or comb their hair first? Do they need to eat their vegetables? Tell them they have to eat as many as how old they are if they want dessert. They now have control over whether or not they get dessert, and maybe making it about their age is fun! (It worked for my mom) ;). There are endless possibilities to give them choices and make them feel more confident, in control, and influential. Two options isn't much, but it's a lot to them. It's a concept.
My sixth and final opinion!; Discipline should be about self-discipline and being disciplined as a trait you have, not about punishment. Punishment? Should not exist. What exactly is the child doing wrong by throwing a temper tantrum, breaking things, and hurting others? Sure, all of these are "wrong" and considered "bad behavior." What we need to understand is that this tiny child is experiencing things likely for the very first time in most cases. So like you need to be sensitive the first time you take them to the doctor and you know it involves needles, you too have to be sensitive to the first couple thousand times they experience emotions.
And of course, I'm talking about childish bad behavior, not criminal fucking behavior. Of course, punishment exists for that.
Kids just do not have the tools to feel, process, and let go of emotions. When we first experience emotions, they are overwhelming and difficult to handle. So your child is throwing a temper tantrum because they're frustrated. Talk to them about it! Use these moments as lessons. Assure your child that it is okay to be frustrated, but not okay to throw things around the room. Instead....and provide them some coping mechanisms! For example, screaming into pillows instead of screaming mean things at people.
Children are explorers and learners. They are learning. So teach them! And of course they will mess up and revert back to throwing things, but maybe not if you're quick enough to give them tools before they form a habit! Time out is, in my opinion, damaging. Putting anyone in isolation for any amount of time that they are not comfortable with is abuse. Period. Instead, try giving them the option of isolating. Because alone time is super beneficial when dealing with new and overwhelming emotions.
Get to the root of the emotion. Remember, anger is and always will be a secondary emotion. What do I mean by this? Our reaction to be angry is a habit we formed, I would go so far as to say it's a learned behavior. It's a secondary reaction to our immediate reaction which is usually lesser than anger. For example, sadness can lead to anger. So can frustration, annoyance, and even excitement. Figure out what's making your child respond with anger and let them know there are other options!!
Sibling anger exercise to try (untested): So maybe you have more than one child! Congratulations! I hear one child is one but two children is 20! And so follows the years of sibling rivalry. It's normal!
Let's say you're stuck in a situation and it's the worst of the worst. You've never tried to respond by talking through things before so you're not sure what to say other than, "Go to your room!" Maybe it already slipped out, whoops! Follow the child who is most upset. Usually the offender believe it or not. The victim sibling was a target to something bigger. Their ego is bruised and they're confused. you have time. The offender? Their anger may be escalating to rage as they process the situation, get to them first! And anyway, by the time you're through with them and onto the next child, you may have some apologetic company with you.
This is where the "discipline" comes in. Through teaching them how to discipline their emotions and reactionary behavior. I'm sure you have your go-to calming words. I won't provide those here as they are special to each situation and vary among persons. Use what you know. Make a connection to them. Throw yourself under the bus if you have to! Make them feel valid in their feelings.
"Ya know, when I was your age, I used to fight with my sibling too (ad lib for only children: I used to get angry too). It's not fun being angry, and you know what? We don't have to be, kiddo! Because guess what? Anger is only a secondary emotion. It's not a natural first reaction. So, we can change it when we feel it coming!"
Children are so curious they love learning. They may hate school, and who doesn't? The education system caters to one kind of student and is broken. But, children love learning. And the concept of anger being something they can control? Amazing! Remember, they have magic, remind them that this is a part of that magic! They may not be able to wield the elements, but they can wield their anger. Pretty bad ass.
So, teach them! Give them the tools to recognize when they're feeling angry, acknowledge the anger as it's important to identify triggers, and change the behavior/let it go. This is often when it's beneficial to isolate, but only if you're willing to do so. In the end, "Go to your room!" wasn't the worst response, just maybe next time give them the choice to go or to stay and talk about it.
To the exercise! If all else fails or you're simply at a loss for words try this activity. Kids are, typically, mostly visual learners and hands-on. Get them in an activity! Get out the colored pens and some paper and give them a choice!
"Hey, I have a fun idea! Why don't we try an exercise I learned from a friend for when we're feeling upset with someone! Would you like to try it?"
They may say no, in which case present them with two options, "I think it's a good idea for us to do something creative! Would you rather make a list of all the reasons you don't like *insert sibling/friend name* or would you like to make a list of all the different emotions we can choose to channel when we feel anger?"
Making a list of why they don't like someone can do two things. First, it can show us that we may not have a real reason! Your child may not be able to list a single thing. In which case, ask them about their day. What happened? Did a certain situation turn their good day bad and make it impossible for them to get along with their sibling? You may find out the root of the anger is actually embarrassment over something that happened earlier that day. in which case you're dealing with something different!! Confidence, baby. Oh, boy!
Secondly, it can actually show us a lot about ourselves. Go over the list. With each new word ask your child to reflect. Can this word maybe apply to them too? A fun lesson to learn! We typically don't like people or certain things about people because we see ourselves in them. The parts of us we don't like about ourselves. Turn it around and work through why they see these things as negative. Maybe attempt to shed a positive light on each word and encourage your child to see why those things make them and their sibling beautiful instead!
Example:
Situation: Your child is fighting with their sibling and very angry at them. The offender was playing music when the victim turned it off because it was too loud. This went back and forth until the offender, unable to process their emotions, pushed the victim. The victim sibling fell, twisting their ankle, and are now crying.
Your necessary response: Separate the children!
"Okay, we're not feeling happy anymore, so we should talk about it, okay? Would you both like to go sit in your rooms until I'm able to talk with each of you?"
Hopefully the children nod and walk/hobble to their respective rooms. If not, present them with a choice: "Because we're not feeling so great, we should talk about it. Would you both like me to make a snack and all three of us can talk in the kitchen? Or would you prefer to talk to me alone in your rooms?" Most likely, they will choose to separate and this is best case scenario as talking it out all together immediately can result in some nasty reactionary behavior. By now, the children are in their rooms. Time to go after the offender.
Walk through the event that led to the anger. Empathize with them that yes, victim sibling should have communicated first that they wished for the music to be turned down instead of turning it off. Because by now, you've enforced the belief that communication is key! And this is a family that communicates! Is that what made your child upset? The action was not preceded by a discussion to compromise?
Maybe the child cannot express at all the moment they got upset or why. Maybe the only thing they can say is their siblings name in response to "What's wrong?" This is okay! AND NORMAL. Remember, they're experiencing this stuff for the first couple times! They may not have the language yet to express the chaos in their heads. My advice, ask why they turned on the music in the first place. Because, to me, it seems like the offender sibling is putting the importance of music over their siblings need to do homework in silence. Why?
And sure, it could be as simple as, the victim sibling should have expressed this and asked the offender to turn it down or off if turning it down didn't suffice. Your child is kind and reasonable, they would have obliged. Present this to the victim sibling. It's important to point out where they went wrong and what they did right. Explain that it's valid to want no music during homework time, but that it's important to express that need before acting on it.
But maybe that wouldn't have solved it. Maybe victim sibling did ask and was met with a defiant, "not today, sis!" Why did the offender need the music so badly in that moment that they put their needs above their siblings? This could be the key component. A bad day, an embarrassing moment, a forgotten something. Teach the offender about deflection. How sometimes, we choose our safe spaces to finally let out what we've bottled up. Our targets tend to be the people we trust most not to leave us. Explain that what they did was deflect their embarrassment, disappointment, sadness onto their sibling. It's okay to make this mistake but point out that next time, this is what they should do...and provide coping skills.
Attending to the victim is far easier. You can almost count on saying the same thing every time! "This is about them and their emotions, not you. Do not take this personally. Offender sibling acknowledges that pushing you was wrong and that it was a deflection of their anger about something else. Do you mind doing me a favor? Offender sibling is really sad right now, and while you may not be able to forgive them yet, will you come with me to tell them you love them? You'd be a real super hero!"
Again, kids are magical. They will absolutely jump at the idea of being the bigger person; the super hero, and loving their sibling. Maybe you got permission from the offender to share what caused them to get so upset! Share with the victim what really happened. "They were hurting from this and use music as a way to feel better. Not having it in that moment was alarming to them more so than it should have been because of this. I'm sorry you got pushed, that's not okay, and we won't be coping with our anger that way anymore."
Some alternative emotions we can channel in place of anger; peace through acceptance, acceptance through sadness. Best case scenario our child is as emotionally intelligent as their emotional range and is able to identify ways to ground themselves and find peace. Breathing exercises! It's exhausting, I know. "Just breathe!" "Fuck off." But, it's honest-to-heaven quite amazing technology.
Pinch your nose closing your nostrils, let go of one nostril and breath in deeply for 3 seconds, pinch your nostrils closed and hold for 3 seconds, let go of the second nostril and breath out for 8 seconds, breathe back in through the second nostril, repeat!
This has helped me calm down for many years now. I tend to go isolate first before doing it because I feel like I look like a weirdo freak, but in desperate times! Teach your child to find a space for themselves that feels safe and to start doing breathing exercises. If they can't get on board with nose pinching, tell them to do jumping jacks. Instead of your heart racing due to anger/anxiety/rage/panic, this tricks your body into being able to calm down because it thinks you're just exercising and that's why your heart rate is so high.
So, now your child is jumping around the room instead of throwing things around the room. Maybe this isn't your first rodeo and as soon as your child goes to pick up something to throw, you scream, "Jumping Jacks!!!" and they immediately go into those instead, ready to try and calm themselves down.
Talk about it! Tell them to sit and work on peace through acceptance. Talk through the situation and the emotions associated with each sequence of events. Help them accept the times they were in the wrong, and remind them of what they did right. Help them to accept the situation for what it is as the world is full of random, chaotic, and unpredictable energy. There is no reason, and there's little we can do and that's okay.
Acceptance through sadness. Sometimes the situation really does call for throwing things around the room!! It is hard out there and sometimes a hole gets punched in the wall. Cry about it. Accept the shitty situation for what it is, give it a good cry, and let it go.
Remind your little miracle that emotions are temporary and that we should not act on our emotions or base decisions off of emotions alone. We should consider our emotions in these times and find a balance between this and the practical, but beyond that, no. Let it pass on your terms! Don't let time take you for a ride. Figure out the process of acknowledging emotions and releasing them. And pass the knowledge along to your child!
There are ways to turn punishment into education. Time out into meditation and breathing exercises. And anger - a reactionary/secondary emotion - into anything that feels more comfortable. Next time you feel yourself reaching for the belt, ask yourself, what the fuck am I doing? Because at the end of the day, you're abusing your child over the fact that they just don't have the knowledge on how to cope, I mean, most adults don't for the love of god! Not because you're teaching them anything. To them, they're not allowed to express themselves is the message you're sending, not "don't throw things."
Other than that, I pretty much treat children like adults with their own autonomy and ability to make decisions. Of course there is a limit, and they will absolutely hold my hand any time we're crossing the street. Our goal as parents is to teach them how to exist in the real world right? So fucking treat them like they're a part of it. Show them what it's like to have to make decisions all the time! Eventually, they'll be begging for you to just tell them what to do. I mean, don't we all want that? A little assistant to give us a list of priorities and tell us to get to it? Sign me up!
Baseline, if you find yourself not knowing what to do about your child, ask them. It's their life, and yes, you have control over it, but give some of it back. Get their opinion on their own life too. They may have good ideas! I suppose my over-arching philosophy on children is this:
A parent-child relationship should be based on mutual respect. you can choose to add love, and it's way more fun when it's based on love too, but it's not necessary when compared to respect. Your child is your roommate that you have to take care of. So, feed them, water them, and make sure they get places on time, but also foster an atmosphere of openness and growth. Meet all their questions with awe - no question is stupid (unless it's the result of them not listening, hehe!) - and then answer them as best as you can, pointing them in the direction of their answer if it does not lie with you. But answer them! Try not to get lazy. This is just way too important of a job to snooze on.
Which brings me to Part 2...The Important Decision for Biological Children.
Comments